Yes, you read that right. Please drink three cups of coffee before you even eat breakfast. Caffeine is awesome. It perks you up, helps you focus and keeps your mind in order. Caffeine keeps you energized throughout the day and helps you tackle every obstacle that could possibly get in your way. Caffeine has even been proven to fight off serious maladies such as writer’s block, sluggishness, fatigue, mental exhaustion and even the most severe cases of I-really-don’t-feel-like-doing-anything-right-now, otherwise known as “meh.”
Feeling tired after work and want to get some extra hours into that project you’ve been working on? Caffeine-filled energy drinks are your friend. Do you think that your sleep is interrupting your ability to balance work, family and a social life? A pot of coffee is the answer to your problems. Maybe you’re in the middle of a bout of the dreaded couch-potato syndrome, and you can’t seem to get your lazy buns up and about. If this is the case, you need a quintuple-shot latte and substitute the milk with actual, whole coffee beans.
If you’re not convinced at this point that caffeine is the only way to go, these absolutely true stories about non-fictitious people in most definitely real situations will be all you need to realize that you’re doing life wrong and that caffeine-filled beverages should replace every other beverage in your life, immediately.
“When I was in college, I struggled through my first two years feeling sad, overwhelmed and incomplete. Halfway through my junior year, however, my roommate introduced me to coffee. She saw that I had trouble staying awake while studying, at school events, during class and out with friends. She told me that I had a serious problem, but that she could help me. I started drinking coffee. First while studying for tests, then in the mornings before classes. Soon, I realized its full potential in my life and I’ve been drinking coffee instead of water ever since then. I haven’t slept in three years, and it’s completely changed the way I live my life.” –SaDlee Sleepie
“I used to take the bus to work every single day. It was exhausting walking from my bed to the curb in front of my house where the bus would pick me up. I finally got so fed up with it that I decided to give up working completely. The man at the croissant cart next to the bus stop noticed that I wasn’t there, so he decided to check up on me one morning. He brought me an energy drink and a sandwich. He told me that he was worried and he thought that the energy drink would help me out. Now, I drink two dozen energy drinks every day, and I run the 15 miles to work instead of taking the bus. Never will I go back to the way I used to live.” –Laiy Ziebumm
***Side effects of heavy caffeine consumption may include, but are not limited to: constipation, lack of appetite, depression, anxiety, paranoia, raised blood pressure, fatigue, numbness in various extremities, weight gain, weight loss, loss of consciousness, dehydration, heart failure and death. If you experience any of these side effects, double your rate of consumption and consult your local librarian.***
