Wishing one had the courage to express their feelings ranks among the top five regrets facing dying individuals. Many die wishing they had the courage to express their feelings. People believe that not being able to express those feelings will leave an unsettled need that unhealthily festers and becomes a reflection of bitterness and resentment.
It’s no question that love is complicated, and seeking explanations and affirmations about love in an article online is a little silly. Even asking the question of why people say “I love you” sounds a little far-fetched. People view this emotional state as inexplicable; if you have to ask, then you probably don’t understand it, or, at least, have never experienced it.
In a study done by Ackerman, a researcher in evolutionary social psychology, he found that men are actually more likely to utter these three words before women are. He hypothesized that men said it to indicate their readiness to move on with the relationship. In layman’s terms, he was ready to have sex. Ackerman even went to say that men think “I love you” is more meaningful pre-sex because there’s a mutual attraction of wanting to take things to the next level. Whereas for women, “I love you” is more meaningful post-sex because they think it expresses a commitment for the long term. In fact, it was reported that men don’t feel as happy hearing “I love you” after sex has occurred compared to their women counterparts (assuming we are only talking about heterosexual relationships). While this idea may paint men in a disparaging light, it’s not uncommon to conflate loving someone and needing someone for your own personal benefit. It is pretty common in budding relationships to first look for aspects of a relationship that fulfill your needs and make you happy.
While attempting to answer the question of why people feel the need to say “I love you” often draws blank minds, asking why people don’t say “I love you” draws a more complex opinion. A common reason for not wanting to express affection is being afraid of scaring the other person away or not getting the response they desire in return. People don’t want to seem clingy, desperate or needy. Others feel ashamed because they associate expressing their affection as a sign of weakness and aren’t comfortable appearing vulnerable in front of others. Their ego can’t stomach rejection and embarrassment. Some people also theorize that harboring an emptiness doesn’t allow one to express their affection for others. When people don’t love themselves, they run the risk of saying “I love you” out of neediness, lust, or a desire to temporarily fill a void.
While people may not say “I love you” for these certain reasons, among others, people who claim to be aware of what their innermost feelings mean to them will say you’re probably not ready to express these feelings if you don’t want to say “I love you” for the reasons above. They will say it’s not about being frightened; it’s about wanting to unconditionally provide a sense of security and reassurance to a relationship. They will say it’s not about filling an empty void or expecting something in return; it’s about being giving oneself away to show that you’re ready to grow and commit to another person. Beyond romantic relationships, we say “I love you” to let the people we care about know that we accept their vulnerabilities and their mistakes. While these reasons may seem obvious, why is it important for us to let the receiver know about these things? Is there really no other reason than the fact that hearing these things and knowing these things are comforting and makes us feel good about ourselves?
Maybe speaking through a romantic’s perspective, we feel the need to say “I love you” because this feeling of affection is stronger than what we can offer to each other and we want to acknowledge this in our relationship. We claim it is the sum of the deepest feelings of my heart and we feel that you have every right to know how we feel about you. Perhaps less intensely, we say “I love you” because we want some semblance of control over our own emotions. We finally know that we deserve love and deserve to feel that way about another person. Expressing affection isn’t simply about letting other people know of our feelings; it’s also representative of figuring out the tangling of our own emotions and being ready to share that with others. All of these reasons can be perceived as terribly self-indulgent or wonderfully selfless and innocent, but are these things necessarily mutually exclusive?
People fulfill different needs in other people’s lives at different points in their life. While expressing affection for someone can range from neediness to unconditionality, it’s clear that people want their emotions and feelings to be heard and understood. When we say “I love you,” we are acknowledging that we think we’re important enough for the other person to know that we love them and we think that it’s something they want or should know. Whether it’s because we like what they provide for us or like how they make us feel or enjoy the version of ourselves when we’re around them, it’s hard expressing these emotions in relationships at different points in our lives when we only have one word utilized as a catch-all term (for English speakers, anyway). It’s difficult that love addresses the parts of us that make up the most fundamental parts of ourselves. How can anyone possibly explain that while not seeming exaggerative and nauseating? There’s not really a wrong or right reason to say “I love you” but perhaps the next time we think about uttering these words, we do it not because it unquestionably needs to be said, but because we know it’s okay to feel strongly about the people we care about.
