We’ve all been told that money can’t buy happiness, but what if I told you money can buy you unhappiness? $60,000 worth of unhappiness to be exact.
Yes, it’s possible ladies and gentlemen, I spent $60,000 over the course of one year, to live in a place that I hate, to struggle with social anxiety, to be sexually assaulted, and to exist in a systematically racist institution. This is the reason why I transferred universities.
“Why did you transfer?” I’ve been asked this question time and time again and I have never been able to give a great short answer other than, “I hated it”. I shorten my answer to “I hated it”, because that has been the easiest way for me to avoid the personal details and ultimately, the truth. Although I find myself answering “I hated it”, over and over again “I hated it”, is an answer I’ve grown tired of giving.
My first year of college was rough to say the least. Ironically things started out quite well, I was enjoying life away from home, I had made plenty of new friends and I was adjusting to college life. However, this feeling didn’t last long. It was only a matter of time before chaos ensued, I became swamped in school work I didn’t understand, I began to fight with my roommate about anything and everything, and I was sick, physically sick, all of the time. I began to notice that college didn’t feel like home, I was uncomfortable and I couldn’t find anyone that I related to or that was like me.
I found myself feeling like an outcast, I was at a private school attending chapel and bible classes when I wasn’t even sure I believed in God. I felt like everyone thought I was weird because I was one of the only creative spirits on campus, I felt discriminated against because of my race and in a nutshell, unaccepted by most everyone. I tried to combat this by joining clubs and organizations but I failed to make friends in each one because I felt so awkward and nervous all of the time. I attended parties but I found myself always wanting to leave early or just standing on the back wall waiting for it to end.
Then came my sexual assault incident, every college girls’ worst nightmare and frankly something I never imagined happening to me. I didn’t react to this incident how I expected to and that upset me to say the least. I always thought that in the event that I was in this situation I would take all of the proper steps to seek justice, but I didn’t. In fact, when help was offered to me I pushed it away. Maybe this was because I was on a campus that didn’t have the best reputation for handling these-sort-of-things and I found it hard to trust that they would protect me. Or maybe it was because I found it so embarrassing I didn’t care to share it with anyone. I’m still not sure why I never spoke up, but whatever my reason I chose to keep quiet.
Sexual assault wasn’t the only disappointing thing to occur on campus. Not long after, I began to witness racist incidents. I expected the university to provide justice for the victims but as these events continued to occur, I realized that my university didn’t care about these incidents and had no plans to take proper action. I realized that the only students that were protected on campus were their ideal students, which obviously was not everyone. To say the least, this was upsetting and it only contributed to my growing dislike for this university.
Unfortunate events began to occur often and quickly, come October I decided I wanted out. I wanted nothing more than to escape the toxic environment I was trapped in, but the process wasn’t just as simple as leaving. I couldn’t transfer out of my university until I had completed at least 30 credit hours and I only had 16. So in my own personal hell I remained for another 6 months. In those 6 months, I lost a lot of weight, barely ate and when I did I binged, I lived alone, had very few friends and cried A LOT.
As the spring semester progressed I grew paranoid that I wouldn’t get into my desired school. I began to make plans of dropping out, at one point I even considered moving across the country. I had a lot of crazy plans and ideas but my main focus was ensuring I wouldn’t have to spend another semester where I was.
Although I was extremely miserable and unhappy I made every effort I could to try and be happy. I found myself going home almost every weekend and in yoga class every morning, I purged the toxic people and habits and I spent a lot of time studying to get the grades I needed to transfer. To be completely transparent, this was one of the lowest points of my life. Despite my desperate attempts to be happy and positive, I couldn’t, it was impossible.
Eventually the semester ended and I remember crying tears of joy. I dropped out of my university and I had no idea what would be next, as I had no acceptance letter yet, and that was scary but oddly comforting.
Come mid-summer I got my acceptance letter and I finally felt free to begin living again. I knew that transferring would provide me with a do-over, and this was something I desperately needed.
Fast forward to present day, I’m at a university that I love, in my favorite city, with infinite opportunities and all of my favorite people. Although I had a horrible first year of college, I needed it. It helped me grow and develop into who I am today, despite it being THE worst year of my life I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. My suffering humbled me and taught me so much about myself and this world.
I share this story because I know that there is another person out there that can benefit from it. Transferring is not easy, but if you’re at a university that makes you miserable it’s probably your best bet. Life is too short to spend 4+ years of your life on a campus that brings you nothing but sadness and pain.
