I think everyone reading this can think of an example where two parties that have a disagreement just will not reconcile. The two parties could be family members, friends, or even countries. We hear the same arguments and accusations from both parties whenever the issue comes up. This is something that has happened since the beginning of time among humankind. And yet, I feel like it has gotten worse, especially among families. I have had my fair share of drama from these disagreements.

The question comes up, "why can't we reconcile?" Or "why can't we just put our differences aside and move on?" I believe the main reason is that both parties are not owning up to what they did due to pride. This is not assuming that neither is owning up to it like most counselors imply when they say this. It can mean one party has owned up to it, while the other side has not and yet still demands apologies.

I won't specify who exactly, but there is a family conflict I have been a witness and party to for many years. Both parties have not been able to have reconciliation, despite their family bond. They have gone to multiple counseling sessions in an attempt to sort things out. One of the parties has apologized multiple times for all bad actions they have done or may have committed. The other party has owned up to some things but is still pointing fingers at party number one. Party number two wants more apologies and concessions, even though the first party has owned up to everything. There are other details that contribute to the ongoing division, but the fact that the second party is not being open to apologizing for all of their bad actions means reconciliation won't happen.

Another example is racism. Last Sunday in my church, the pastor (who was white) was telling us that we as white Christians need to be unified with black (or African American) Christians. I totally agreed with him, it saddens me that there is no unity in that area. But then he said, the responsibility fell on us as white people and that was all he said. This disappointed me not because I don't think white people don't have a responsibility, it is because black people have a responsibility too. As I noted before, both parties need to own up to their bad actions. In this case, it is needed from both whites and blacks. If you don't believe me, let's look at history. Not only did the KKK fuel racism, but the Black Panthers also caused racial tension. As much as whites have been guilty of stereotyping and judging blacks, blacks are also guilty of stereotyping and judging whites. Based on what I have heard and watched, I see more white people apologize for today's racism compared to blacks. If we truly want reconciliation, blacks and whites have to own up to their own actions and seek a way forward.

These are just two examples that come to my mind when I think about parties that won't reconcile. Really it comes down to pride. One side believes its conduct is perfect while the other's is deplorable. Or one side is only focused on critiquing someone else's conduct rather than self-evaluating their own actions. It is frustrating because you can't force a person to not be prideful. But there is one thing you can do and it will offer you the most peace. First, think of moments where you made the wrong call or your emotions got the best of you and caused anger towards the other person. Then own up to them and apologize to the other person. If the other person remains prideful, even after you showed humility, then walk away from it knowing that you have done all you could. At that point, it is up to the other party to imitate your actions. They are the one causing the conflict at that moment, not you.

This doesn't mean the conflict will end or that your sadness from the situation will disappear. But there will be more peace and contentment. That is what happened to me at least. My family conflict involves someone I love and care about deeply. I have apologized to him for the mistakes I made. The situation doesn't stress me out as much as it used to. I pray that someday in the near future that there will be full reconciliation in the family. I can take comfort in the fact that I am no longer doing anything to fuel the conflict.