First off, I’m going to need you to read the book or watch the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." Even if it doesn’t bring you a mind-blowing epiphany (like it did for me), it’s still an excellent read/watch.

For those of you who are not familiar with the story line, here’s what you need to know. Charlie, the socially awkward, young protagonist watches life from the sidelines until vivacious Sam and her stepbrother, Patrick, help bring him out of his shell. I won’t spoil the general synopsis for you because I do firmly believe you should invest some time into reading or watching the story. However, the pivotal scene that altered me forever went like this:

Charlie slowly falls in love with the effervescent and ever-unattainable Sam (played by a very endearing Emma Watson). He is increasingly disheartened because Sam stays with her quite terrible boyfriend. Seeking a confidant, Charlie asks his English teacher, Mr. Anderson, “Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?” Mr. Anderson’s reply was simply, “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I had to pause the movie. I had never heard anything truer in my entire life. We accept the love we think we deserve. Can it really be that simple? The answer to this, I quickly realized, was yes. After letting that epiphany set in, I took a moment to self-reflect. I had something truly awful happen to me my freshman year of college, and because of it, I wasn’t very nice to myself. However, I didn’t think it really affected me. Now I know that all of the choices I made after the fact reflect the cycle of self-hatred and worthlessness I was feeling.

It’s incredible how much I understand about myself knowing that everything I do is a reflection of how I feel about myself. It wasn’t until I learned this and tried to conquer it that I was able to get into a healthy relationship with my current boyfriend. I promise you it’s not just true for me. Whenever anyone comes to me for advice, asking things like, “Why is this person doing this to himself or herself,” or, “Why won’t he/she just go out with me? I would be nice to them.” I give them the same piece of advice Mr. Anderson gave to Charlie. Nine times out of ten, it’s right.

The hardest part about knowing this is knowing that it is completely out of your control, at least when you recognize it in someone else. I think the hardest thing that I have gone through so far in this life is trying to help someone who felt like they were absolutely worthless because nothing can change until they change the way they view themselves. Charlie follows up his question with, “Can we make them know that they deserve more?” Mr. Anderson’s reply was, “We can try.”

Sometimes trying is all you can do. Even when you want to kick, scream, or shake some sense into them, all you can do is be there until they can find the strength to find their center again. I know that sometimes I still struggle with it. I know it’s why I push people away and why I retreat inwards. Sometimes knowing that doesn’t help. "We accept the love we think we deserve." I wear this very quote on my body as a reminder that I am in control of how I feel, and that if I think I deserve nothing, then that is what I will accept from the people around me. If I think I deserve love, and that I matter, it will be reflected in the relationships that I hold with other people.

So please take a minute to reflect on the past few days, weeks, or months. What do your actions say about the way you feel toward yourself? If you don’t like the answer, maybe you just need a reminder that you matter. Think about the people you care about. Maybe they need more help than they are letting on. I am the queen of misdirection, and I’ve championed the “no really, I promise everything’s fine” attitude. At the end of the day, I need help. I need the love and support of my friends and family, even when I don’t think I deserve it. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Sometimes it’s going to be hard, sometimes it will suck, and sometimes we’re not going to want to get out of bed. But you know what we can do?

We can try.