A few days ago, I was out to dinner with one of my sorority sisters, and while we were catching up, she told me about a conversation she had with a friend of hers: she received a text message from this friend informing her he had “heard” that a mutual acquaintance of theirs, another girl, had been “blacklisted” from our sorority. This started a conversation between us about how much we dislike the term “blacklist” and how this term negatively affects Greek life, which became the inspiration for this article.

Let me just put something out there: there is no such thing as a “blacklist”.

Before I joined my sorority, I believed in the “blacklist." I remember being a freshman and hearing “Don’t go out, or you’ll be blacklisted." The threat of being “blacklisted” made me question my every move around girls I knew were in sororities. Should I have followed her on Instagram? Should I say hi to her at this restaurant, or would that be weird? Should I text her and ask her to go to coffee, or should I just wait for her to contact me? At some point, I got tired of second-guessing everything and I let my guard down. I stopped worrying about the “rules” and started acting like myself. It was at this time that I really began making genuine and real connections. I grew close with many of the girls who are now my sisters because I was honest with them about who I was and am as a person.

After joining my sorority, I became more familiar with how the recruitment process works from the other side, and I realized that the “blacklist” is a lie. Contrary to what I believed, members of sororities do not go out to parties to scout freshmen and put them on a list of unwanted names. It’s not about whether or not you party or if you do or say the right things at the right time. It’s about who you are as a person and, more importantly, how you choose to represent that. If a sorority decides to not accept you as a member, it’s not because the girls don’t like you or that you did anything wrong. It’s simply because you don’t represent the same values they do. This doesn’t mean they’re better than you or vice versa, it just means what you find important and what they find important are different. And that is totally okay.

So to all the current freshman girls stressing out over being the perfect PNM, here’s what I want you to know: there is a home for you. It may not be what you expected, but I promise you it exists. I ask that you put a little faith in us on the other side and trust that we know what we’re looking for. All you have to do is be the best version of yourself and don’t be afraid to be the person you want to be.