My friends kept telling me to leave.
After a while, they were sick of the weekly "we broke up" texts and complaints I would send them.
"Block his number."
But I wasn't ready for that either. I thought that maybe if I left the line of communication open, things would change. Maybe we'd find a way to fix the broken mess we made.
It sucks to be the girl that stays even when she has a dozen reasons to leave. I know I'm not the only one, though. I know a lot of girls have kept going back to the same person that broke their heart in the first place, and I'm sure a lot of guys do it too.
Things always start out great. Things always start out perfect. You never imagine it going downhill, ever. Then the first fight happens, but fighting is normal in a relationship. You get through it and you're so proud that you handled it the way you did. Then the first fight turns into the 100th fight and fighting seems to happen more regularly than you had anticipated.
My friends kept telling me I deserved better and that there was a guy way more suited for me out there. Of course, it took me a long time to actually believe it and come to the realization that I didn't have the best that I could have. I did not have the person I deserved.
There is something addicting about the on-again/off-again relationship. There is something addicting about the happiness inside of you when you and your significant other decide to be on...again. The pain of the umpteenth break-up is also addicting. It's a never-ending cycle.
Until it does end. Until you're finally fed up with the fighting and the constant breaking up and the constant trying to work things out. You go out on a date with a guy (or girl) that is more like you than you thought was possible. He opens doors for you, he offers to pay. She listens to what you say and asks you questions about herself because she's actually interested.
It's a refreshing feeling to be out of the cycle. You are still sad about your ex. That is to be expected... for a while. But then the sun starts to shine a little brighter than it did before and you reflect on all that has happened in your previous relationship. You remember the open-ended fights and the promises to change that never seemed to stick.
You remember the hurt you felt and how you thought maybe you could move on and things could work out, but things just couldn't. And, that is okay.
The whole time, my friends believed in me and saw this smart, beautiful person inside of me. They appreciate who I am, they don't want to leave when things got tough. They listened to my rants and my sob stories about how awful it was that we broke up... AGAIN. They also listened to my jumps of joy when I told them we decided to work things out... AGAIN. Of course they'd roll their eyes and say "He's not really going to change," or "He's only going to change for a little while and then he will get comfortable and be a jerk again."
I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, trying to believe in him and the person I wanted him to be. But, the person I wanted him to be was not who he really was. It took me a long time to realize I didn't have any real or valid reasons to keep going back to someone who continuously broke my heart.
I stayed because I thought that giving up wasn't an option. I still believe that giving up isn't an option... But that is only if you have found the right person.
Sometimes, however, leaving is the only way you can grow as a person. Staying doesn't always make you strong. Sometimes it makes you really weak. You should never depend on someone for happiness when there's people that will fit to your jagged puzzle piece edge.
Love isn't easy and it's something you have to work for, but it shouldn't be complicated either. My friends were right when they said I deserved better but it took a long time of separating myself from the relationship to realize that.
