It’s summer. It’s hot. You know what this means? It’s officially time to put away the always glorious leggings. ~A moment of silence, please.~ Moving on. Now, we are left with jeans, dresses, skirts and, sigh, shorts. Shorts are the worst item of clothing ever. No arguments. Let’s talk about this, okay?
Shorts, for starters, hurt. Unless you’re wearing loose fitting shorts, like running shorts or cloth shorts, you’re going to be in pain. They ride up and give the most uncomfortable wedgies. Especially denim shorts. This leads me to the next issue with shorts—chafing. I can’t even think about this without wanting to burn every pair of shorts I own. So, you’re out, minding your own business…maybe you’re just walking a short distance and that’s when you start to feel it. The part of your shorts covering your inner thighs start to ride up. You feel it slowly rising. Your annoyance level is rapidly rising with it. What do you do? You want to pull it down and readjust it so badly but really, it’s not the most graceful thing to do in public. And even when you do adjust it, it’s just going to happen again in another 15 seconds.
The length of the shorts is also another issue. Some of us feel comfortable wearing short shorts and some of us don’t. I’m not talking about how you look in them, I’m talking about how you feel. Short shorts, sometimes known as “cut-offs” (if they are of the denim persuasion), are cute when you’re standing up but when you sit down, you feel totally exposed. You might as well just be wearing your underwear. And this is the weird part, you feel the need to cover yourself up. Why? It’s no different then wearing a bathing suit bottom. We must retrain our sub-conscious.
Another unavoidable annoyance about the Devil’s favorite article of clothing—mosquito bites. The mosquitos want you to wear shorts. Shorts double our chances of getting mosquito bites. Why do we do this to ourselves? Because the outfit’s cute? Is it worth it? Probably, yea.
You really start to question whether it’s worth it when you get into a hot car with leather seats. You know, when you get in the car, sit, screech, and then do that weird half backbend/hover the seat until it cools down thing. Why must we be subjected to second degree burns by wearing shorts? How is that fair? We paid good money for these and now our bodies have to pay for them?
Shorts are the worst. I think we can agree on that. I can go on and on, complaining about how much I despise shorts but I will continue to buy them in different, colors, lengths and fabrics because they’re cute.
The worst thing about shorts, though? The fact that cargo shorts exist and men still insist on wearing them. PSA: Don’t.
