In every depiction of infidelity it’s made very obvious who the good and evil sides are. The person who cheats is the epitome of failure, a representation of the most abhorrent side to humans, and is incapable of feeling empathy or remorse. A psychopath, practically. Because really, why or how could this person live with themselves after doing something so repulsive to a person they supposedly love? No one wants to take the time to understand the cheater’s side, and quite honestly, would should anyone take the time to dissect such an act of pure evil? As a society we’ve written it off as something that only happens to the worst of us. Those who lose control, those who get bored but are too cowardly to end the main relationship. The term “cheater” has become synonymous with: coward, psychopath, inhuman, evil, horny f**kers.

Because I’m slightly masochistic, I’m going to be the one to dissect why people cheat. Statistically speaking, you know a cheater. Watch your friends and family closely. Are you sure you know everything about them? According to a research done by Buss and Shackleford in 1997, about 30-60 percent of married individuals have committed acts of infidelity. The statistics have no doubt risen in the last few decades, as have the rates of divorce. It is said that 17 percent of divorces were a result of infidelity. Knowing that, we obviously can’t still say that cheaters are the worst of us, they’re practically the majority of us.

The hormone involved with fidelity is called vasopressin. More is released in women than men, though during sex, this hormone is released in large amounts in both men and women. It works in the kidney to control thirst. In nature only three percent of creatures are naturally monogamous, with majority of the credits due to this hormone; it might interest you to know that humans aren’t one of them. A study done on prairie voles (a naturally monogamous creature) and its respective cousin allowed us to see the effects of releasing and restricting the amount of vasopressin in mammals. When prairie voles were given drugs that restricted the effects of vasopressin, both the male and female mammal lost devotion to their partner, and the male prairie vole was incapable of protecting its female partner from other males. If that sounds like your current spouse, I hope it comforts you to know that it doesn’t mean he/she has stopped loving you, he/she’s just low on some vasopressin.

I read the most interesting article on Thought Catalog written by a guy who went out and did his own research about cheating individuals. He randomly asked hundreds of people – who’s cheated on their spouse - on craigslist and various other sites to participate in interviews. He wanted to know what the rest of us do: Why do people cheat? He ended up interviewing an array of personalities and scenarios, all differing in reason. The people ranged from: a woman who’s felt sexually neglected by her husband for 10 years, a couple who ended up living with the woman he cheated on, to a man who just wanted to feel powerful. There wasn’t a singular answer, so I can’t give you that. The journalist ended his article hopeless, realizing that most likely either we will be cheated on, or we will be the one to cheat.

I guess I have to end this article with an inconclusive ending, because I can’t tell you why you’ve been cheated on. If you’re reading this and you’re the cheater, I can’t tell you to stop. Infidelity has been an integrated part of humanity since the day we were conceived. We weren’t meant to be sexually monogamous. Jealousy and hurt are emotions that came after infidelity; it was the evolutionary response to cheating. If you’re someone who feels constantly jealous and doubtful of your partner, try to break down the science. Your love for someone is only hormones and neurons, a bunch of chemicals telling you what you should feel and how you should respond. When someone says that attachment and addiction are not love, they’re wrong. Dopamine (same chemical released from taking cocaine), vasopressin, oxytocin (cuddle hormone), and serotonin are all just chemicals that induce the overall combination of love. The explanation that, “If someone loves you, they wouldn’t cheat,” is biologically false. Someone can have all these chemicals and still feel the urge to be with someone else mainly because that is what we are; we’re mammals like all others. I think the biggest error we’ve been making as a species is that we’re ignoring our biological beginnings and replacing it with what we think is moral and civilized. The hurt, pain, jealousy, doubt, paranoia, and endless thoughts that arise are all products of our own creation. These reactions are ultimately useless; unless you stab a syringe of vasopressin in your partner in their sleep I doubt yelling at them and wasting your own time being upset will help.

At the same time, I do not want to excuse those who cheat to just biology. Ultimately we are still different from other mammals. The difference between you and a prairie vole is that you can think (and you’re also not naturally monogamous). Wanting to cheat is a reaction of our primal sides, but thoughts and control are exercised because we aren’t stupid. We understand that cheating causes so much pain and hurt; it wrecks a relationship’s established trust and sincerity. We respect our partners, and so we don’t do things that causes the other one unnecessary pain. Why do people cheat? It’s in our nature. But it does not mean that we cannot change it. Control and empathy are humanity’s most noble traits. With a firm establishment on those two traits, who knows, maybe we will change evolution for the future.