Before I begin, don’t kill me.

I, like most hard-working, respectable Americans, despise the music of Nickelback. Whenever “and we all justa wanna be a big a rock stars” creeps its way back into my life with its unnecessarily voluminous drums and annoyingly pretentious acoustic guitars, I am overcome with the same overwhelming desire you are to grab a large elephant carcass and throw it straight at Chad Kroeger’s torso.

But while I admittedly can’t stand the actual music of Nickelback either, people need to get off their case. Their presence in the music industry is in fact the very reason that the integrity and purity of music can survive.

First, we have to look at why Nickelback gets so much flak. It’s an interesting phenomenon actually, to look at how this band has assumed the role of “world’s most hated band” because if you think about it, it’s not due (entirely) to incompetence. They can play their instruments adequately, if not exceptionally, Kroeger in a technical sense is not a terrible singer, and, as much as we hate to admit it, their songs are damn catchy. Right now, you’re still singing “Rockstars” in your head or shoving a Q-Tip halfway into your brain after my allusion to it earlier.

So no, they aren’t hated for the same reason that your 12 year-old brother’s metal band “The Bleeding Souls” are hated by anyone on the block who has two functioning ears and an unfortunate proximity to your house at 3:30 pm after school. Nickelback is hated because their music is good and catchy. But they are so mind-crushingly simplistic, so ready to adhere to any formula of copy-and-paste rock and roll that the fact that that iTunes has to categorize them as “artists” makes you want to kneel outside in a rainstorm cradling a sick puppy.

Which is why they’re awesome.

Think about your favorite piece of art. It doesn’t have to be music, but for convenience’s sake, it might help. The fact that it is your favorite implies that it is better than all the other pieces of art. So imagine if every piece of that art medium was as good as your favorite piece of art. On paper, it sounds even as appealing as a delivery service that brings breakfast food to your bed and gives you a complimentary hug, but in reality, you would grow tired of it nearly instantaneously and the very concept of art would wither and tremble in your mind like Michael Cera in a police line-up. The fact that less-than-adequate art exists is actually what makes the art you enjoy so great.

So, in a theoretical sense, crappy music’s sole function is to act as a contradiction to high-quality music, in order for that high-quality music to appear even more high-quality. So the crappier the music of one band is, the better the music of another is. It’s sort of like how the burgers your dad grills on Sunday taste like chunks of bovine euphoria after you eat at one of those hipster burger places where they put dijon mustard and bean sprouts on your soybean patty.

Thus, Nickelback is doing the music industry an incredible favor. They act as the culmination of emotionless pop-rock created solely for profit with braindead, misogynistic lyrics and banally singable choruses in order to make your favorite bands sound better by comparison.

So next time the sounds of a new single from your favorite band engulfs your senses, or a climax in a concert chills your very soul from pure artistic power, find a Nickelback fan and thank him/her. They’re the reason the whole operation works.

For Nickelback fans who find this article offensive: go back and reread the article, replacing the word “Nickelback” with “Radiohead” and “music” with “sounds that sound good.”