My Mom Is My Twin, My Role Model, And My Best Friend

My Mom Is My Twin, My Role Model, And My Best Friend

What would I do without her?
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Ever since I was very young, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has told me how much I resemble my mom. Whenever we both walked into a room, people would automatically know that we definitely had to be related, and would even say that I was an exact replica of her.

She's even told me countless of times herself that I must blind to not see our similarities, which is basically to a point that we could pass as sisters, or even twins. And even to this day, I sometimes still can't even see it.

There's no doubt that my mom and I have become inseparable and even best friends.

We've shared amazing memories together, from going on vacations and trips together all over the world, to spending Monday nights on the couch watching "The Bachelor" and gossiping about who we thought wouldn't get a rose and make it to the next round.

She loves hearing about my college experiences and stories, and is always willing to being open and trying new food trends with me. We've spent so much time together that we often sometimes are thinking the exact same thing or can finish the other person's sentence. So even though one might say we're twins due to how tied at the hip we are, I don't see how I resemble the pure amazingness that she truly is.

Yes, we might have the same eyes or the same facial structures, which has already taken me so long to admit. But I am nowhere close to how awesome and inspiring my mom is.

From shadowing her over the past 19 years, I've learned so much about this amazing woman. She works endless hours to make sure everyone is happy and satisfied, which sometimes means sacrificing her own time to make this possible.

Positivity is always radiating from her aura, where she holds the mindset that she can achieve anything if she believes she can. It's also clearly evident about how driven she is about her work, where she makes it her goal to follow her passion and pursue what she loves doing, even if it might not bring her instant success.

My mom has become my role model, because she is the most dedicated and loving person I know.

She leads her life with a positive smile, and makes every day the best it can be for her and everyone around her. I know that if I ever need guidance or help, she will be there for me in a second.

And whenever she doesn't see all of these amazing qualities about herself, it hurts me inside knowing that she's not aware of how big of a difference she's made to me and many others in her life.

Even in her moments of weakness, I still see her as the strongest woman I know. Like anyone else, she has experienced many challenging and difficult moments in her life, where it would've been easy for anyone else to give up and walk away.

But even if she doesn't recognize how strong she truly is, I have seen her time after time instantly get back up on her feet and find a solution on how to work through the pain, and most importantly, accept it as a way to move forward.

She uses the scars of her past as a way to show everyone that she is unstoppable and determined to keep living her life the way she wants to, by pursuing her passions and surrounding herself with positivity and the people she loves.

And even if accepting her hardships might be challenging and something she still sometimes struggles with internally, she still pushes through each day with a smile and an optimistic outlook.

Shadowing her for 19 years has made me wish that I could be my mom's twin, even though I didn't want to admit it when I was a young and stubborn kid. I might easily resemble her in physical attributes, but there is no way I am as strong as she manages to be.

One day, I can follow in her footsteps and lead my life with the same principles and strengths that I have witnessed her do on a day to day basis from the countless hours that I've spent with her.

So here's to my best friend, my twin, the strongest and most beautiful person I know, the kindest soul, and the most loving mother that I sometimes don't even deserve. Thank you for teaching me everything you have so far, and for inspiring me to be the strongest and greatest version of myself, even though I might not believe in myself due to my own challenges.

Hopefully I can apply everything that I've learned from you to my own life and be as amazing as you are.

Cover Image Credit: Ashley Britton

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Just Know That Grief Comes In Waves

My mother's birthday was September 14th and this year it was the hardest year since her death.

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Grief on a loved one's birthday feels like a different kind of loss. Sure, you'll get the same feelings of loss and thoughts flooding your mind about all the things they've missed, but it feels different. I can't really put it into words all that well because I'm going through the same feelings right now as I write this on September 14th.

My mom passed away a week before Thanksgiving in 2015. She was pronounced brain dead two days earlier. It's still hard. The grief comes in waves, and I can be smiling and happy one moment and the next my anxiety gets a hold of me, and I'm sobbing. There were so many things I wish I could tell my mom or ask her. I can ask now, but I feel as if I'm speaking into oblivion. The hardest part about going through her birthday as if it's just another day is having all those thoughts I had running through my head the day she died, run through my head with perfect recall. I see everything all over again, and it hurts so bad.

At some point, the thoughts stop or slow down, but only for a moment. Everything I thought or felt during that week is brought up all over again in my head. Everything I did comes back with perfect recall. It's as if I'm watching a movie screen of my life through my eyes during only those moments. The day before she was pronounced brain dead, I visited her. She was talking to me, and we were watching a couple of movies (I didn't have a job at the time, and I wasn't in school, so I spent the day there with her). During the movie Brave (my mother loved children's films and sometimes preferred to watch those over other films), there's a part where Merida is worried she was too late to save her mom and that now she's stuck as a bear forever. I never cried during that movie, but during that part, I cried. I felt that I was losing my mom in the same way Merida thought she was losing her mom. After my mom died, I couldn't watch that movie for a good while, and there are still many movies that I can't watch without crying. That day I spent with my mom felt like I wasn't going to see her again. I picked my brothers up from school that day and considered going back to see my mom. I didn't. That's my biggest regret when it comes to my brothers and my mom. They hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks.

The grief comes in waves; it always will. Many people tell you it gets better, but it doesn't; you just have good days or awful ones (today is a particularly bad day for me because I can barely write this without having tears clouding my vision). The only thing I can think of to help ease the pain is to spend your time with family or people that will make you happy or smile. The death of loved ones is especially hard when you were very close to them.

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