My car is basically the black sheep of all automobiles. Well, technically it’s the silver sheep if we want to get specific, but that’s beside the point. I proudly rock a 2002 Honda Civic that is tricked out with some killer features, such as dings and divots on the hood from fallen branches and hailstones, a steering wheel that shakes when you hit 80 MPH and the lovely abstract art that some aspiring artists (assholes) keyed into my driver's side door. And I didn’t even have to pay for these add-ons — sweet deal! But if you’re not sold yet, check out the back of my ride — it’s a game changer.
Ah, yes. I am one of those people who has a plethora of bumper stickers plastered to the back of their car. While you, fellow driver, may find my bumper stickers annoying and distracting, let me explain. My mother is responsible for most of these rear-end decorations, and let me tell you, they used to be the bane of my existence. I used to think, Why couldn’t my Mom be normal and drive a station wagon with a modest bumper sticker from her alma mater? However, after driving this car for several years, I’ve grown to love my little, silver Civic, bumper stickers and all. For someone who isn’t into body art, my bumper stickers act as my temporary tattoos of self-expression. After all, wouldn’t it be a little weird if I had a tramp stamp that said “Obama-Biden 2012”?
Here are some examples of my favorite bumper stickers on my car and how they can help you get to know me, without actually getting to know me:
“Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.”
One might think, Aha! I knew it! There is no way that this driver can actually be a mature, contributing member of society! I mean, a vanity plate? Reaaaallly?! Before you judge this sticker, it may also be interpreted as someone who is young at heart and struggling with the concept of growing up. Or perhaps I’m just a psychopathic serial killer who is literally “cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.” I’m going to go with the former.
“Practice random kindness & senseless acts of beauty.”
Ahhh, it looks like we have a wise monk behind the wheel! While I like to think that all of my interactions with others are filled with kindness and compassion, this sticker merely acts as my daily reminder to continue that same behavior on the road. Let’s be real — if you cut me off, the sticker might as well say “Practice random vulgarity & reckless acts of driving.”
“Art is not a thing — it is a way.”
Wow, so artsy, so deep. Before you scoff at this cliché sticker, hear me out. I’m a firm believer that you do not have to be a painter or an actor to be an artist. In my mind, everyone is an artist, because anything you do, that is an honest reflection of who you are, is art. There. Touching and artsy spiel finished.
“Obama-Biden 2012”
An oldie but a goodie, nonetheless. If the former two didn’t give it away: I’M THAT CRAZY OBAMA-LOVING LIBERAL DRIVING A FUEL-EFFICIENT JAPANESE CAR AND LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT! WATCH OUT!
“My Spaniel is smarter than my honor student.”
While my mother had the option of adding a “My child is an Honor student at [insert school name here],” she decided to be cute and witty and stick this sucker on. Now, people driving will either think that A) I am a crazy mother who actually thinks that my child is an idiot compared to the family pet or B) I am just a crazy woman who doesn’t have children, just spaniels. Many, many spaniels. I’m still unsure as to which option I would prefer.
“Namaste”
#ImABasicBitch
And finally, my personal favorite:
“Haikus confuse me. Too often they don’t make sense. Hand me the pliers.”
As I’m writing this, I am actually laughing out loud. If you still don’t get it, it’s a haiku making fun of haikus. Isn’t it so funny? Aren’t you laughing as much as I am right now? Oh, you’re not? Oh okay ... Pliers … hehehe.
So, there you have it. These are just six of the 14 bumper stickers that pimp out my car. Why buy chrome spinners when you can smack on a couple of witty one-liners? Not only will you feel like a badass with a snarky quote or insightful proverb on your rear end, but you’ll notice that there is an unspoken bond between people that choose to rock their bumper stickers, communicating through honks and head nods as we pass each other on the road.
As I’m growing and changing everyday, so will the back of my car. Who knows, maybe if my Civic hangs around long enough (God only knows), you’ll see me proudly boast a “My child is an honor student” (not my spaniel) bumper sticker.
So, if you take anything away, remember, you choose what you want to show others. Whether you choose a tiny Jesus fish or a Coexist stamp, if you change your mind, you can always take off your old stickers and put on some new ones. Like the many different aspects of yourself, they are only as permanent as you want them to be.
