Speaking from experience, I can say that I have had a hard time clearly defining my identity. I know my name and age and date of birth, but when I go to find my own personal identity; I quickly lose track. Ever since I was little, I never truly knew who I was and even now as I am entering my first weeks of college, I'm still just as lost as before and I have come to accept it.
I was homeschooled up into the sixth grade. Growing up with only my mom and a few homeschool friends was nice, but I didn't get the experience of meeting new people as often and when I did I would often shy away because I did not gain the confidence that some kids had. Going to public school when I moved to Kansas was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to learn how to interact with so many people at once and it was honestly very intimidating. I tried to fit in with the popular girls, but I knew after time went on that would never happen. I had a hard time finding a solid friend group to call my own throughout high school and I always wondered why....
Now that I am a college student, I have learned something important about myself. My identity. I know that I don't have an exact grasp on it just yet and I'm still trying to figure out what it all encompasses, but I do see that I spent most of my life trying to create myself out of something I knew wasn't me. I thought that if I could be prettier or just get in with the popular girls or even become part of a solid friend group I would find a sense of self worth and maybe then I would find myself and feel okay.
Truth be told it was the opposite. Doing my own thing and going after my own passions and not the passions around me helped me to discover the parts of myself that I really grew to love and that would eventually become part of me forever. I learned that I had a gift in the sport of swimming, I learned that I love to write, I learned that I can go play with puppies by myself for hours at a time and be perfectly content. I learned that being my own person was the best person I could be and I am so thankful that I lost my identity throughout the early years of my life. Without that experience I would have never truly found these aspects about myself and I would not have grown into the person I am today.
To the girls that are reading this and feel like they haven't found themselves yet, it is perfectly okay to feel that way. Even I still feel it too. Don't try to mold yourself into someone else's lifestyle because you will feel just as alone and lost as I felt on my first day of public school. Teach yourself how to go after your own passions. Don't be afraid to do things that you (yes you not the person you're friends with) want to do. Go after the things you enjoy with charisma and without fear. Don't be afraid to feel lost within yourself. Eventually you will find your way and I can promise you that it will be one of the most rewarding experiences you have ever felt.
