Letting go is a lot like skydiving. Not because you literally have to physically ‘let go’ of the airplane and jump to your possible death, but because of the high-strung anticipation of the unknown. You go in with a million questions and concerns. “How many people have died from this? Will it hurt? How long have you been doing this? Will I get the roller coaster feeling in my stomach all the way down?” For me, the last question was a concern because anytime I make the first drop on a roller coaster I hold my breath. If skydiving was going to be anything like that I’d definitely pass out.
As with all things your state of mind determines everything. Before I went skydiving I prayed asking God to let this be a “freeing” experience. I didn’t want to be afraid or even a slightly bit nervous. And you know what, I wasn’t. Flying up to jumping altitude, I was calm. I will admit, as I was putting my foot out of the plane with the winds practically blowing it off and the man strapped to me pushing us out of the plane with full freaking force, there was a split second of “Oh shit, what did I get myself into!” But that feeling went away almost as fast as it came and all I could think was how incredible I felt. For those glass half empty people I was falling to my death but to me, I was flying and free. I remember saying wow over and over and over again, it was more incredible than I could've ever imagined.
Unlike that day I’m not as brave to “let go” emotionally as I am to physically let go and jump out of a plane. Crazy right? Why is that? Fear mainly but sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s anger, resentment, disappointment, regret, heartache, grief, confusion, or hurtfulness. Sometimes it’s all of these emotions at once, leaving me to feel unresolved. Not in everything, but in things or people I have come to hold close to my heart. Holding on seems easier, being hurt seems easier, not saying anything seems easier, going back over and over seems easier making excuses or justifying seems easier, because it’s predictable. In reality, it’s not but letting go, that’s the real “Oh shit” moment. All of your fears and doubts and everything you’ve been denying or not wanting to come to terms or admit up to that point, come to the surface and you’re vulnerable. Not an easy place for me to be. I pray but in those moments I pray even harder. Asking God for strength to let go or the strength to move on, the strength to trust in Him and His plan. Some days are easier than others. Some days I’m too busy to notice that vulnerability while others I’m still more hurt than I’d like to admit and still not willing to take that “leap of faith”. It is terrifying for me. Instead of trusting God and His plan, I like to take control and make my own which doesn’t usually turn out too well. But God lets me do it, over and over again because I need to learn the lesson; over and over again that God’s plan is better than ours, better than mine. But just like when skydiving, I have to have faith and courage to jump out of that plane. To let go and know God is my parachute, He will open it, He will answer my prayers, He will give me strength, He will give me the faith to know everything will be okay. I will be okay. And just like that day I went skydiving, once I trust in His plan and let go, I will be flying and I will be free.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverb 3:5
