Let’s start by admitting the obvious: we’ve all had our unrealistic, fictional celebrity crushes. Who among us didn’t swoon at Channing Tatum’s Magic Mike? How could "The Notebook" not incite a desire to jump into Noah’s arms on a rainy pier. And even bordering into the animated universe, I know "Tangled’s" Flynn Rider appeals to our nostalgic Disney hearts.
But when the credits roll, we’re able to separate ourselves from the fantasy and realize that no male stripper with a heart of gold is going to sweep us off our feet with a lap dance, Ryan Gosling is not going to write a book of our love story and we’re not getting heroically saved from the top of an ancient tower anytime soon.
I can accept all of this.
Still, there is one piece of fantasy that I can’t seem to escape from, and from what I’ve heard from my peers, neither can they. The work of Jane Austen.
Jane Austen was an English novelist from the late 1700s, whose works focused on women, marriage and social standing. The author died a widow, and when you look at the facts (or in this case, the literature), it makes sense. Austen wrote of men doing charming, heroic, romantic things—acts that exist only within the pages of her novels and could never hope to be recreated in real life.
Jane Austen’s men are the whole package—handsome, intelligent, witty, clever and British. They always know exactly what to say. From the brooding Mr. Darcy to the cunning Captain Wentworth, each leading man is worthy of a swoon or two (or 100).
But in creating these characters, Austen has filled our heads with romantic notions from which we can’t escape and to which we compare men today. When our impossible romantic expectations aren’t met, we can’t help but be disappointed.
How am I expected to be wooed by any male individual who texts me, “Hey, what are you up to?” when I could be reading a Wentworth-crafted letter that begins, “I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul.” I think the former leaves a lot to be desired.
And it hasn’t stopped with 18th-century literature. The modern spin-offs have just made it all worse. One of Austen’s most popular novels, "Pride and Prejudice," has taken on a life of its own. From the Bollywood rendition entitled "Bride and Prejudice" to the 100-video YouTube series “The Lizzie Bennett Diaries,” our modern female culture is obsessed with the story that features sarcastic banter between two inevitable lovers.
But how could your heart not melt when Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy begrudgingly admits, “In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you,” after months of strenuous tension. Props to Elizabeth Bennett for being strong enough to reject a reluctant yet passionate Darcy. I would’ve fallen for it immediately.
By penning these irresistible gentlemen, Jane Austen has ruined any chance of finding a man that lives up to these characters. So thanks, Jane. You brought the rest of us down with you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over there, reading "Persuasion" for the 10th time.
