You may be looking at this title and think, "Well, why wouldn't you normally celebrate your birthday?". It's a long, sad story. My birthday is quite close to the death anniversaries of two very important people in my life and I haven't really been interested in drawing attention to the day of my birth for a long time.

I had a sweet sixteenth birthday, but it was lowkey, totally awesome, and filled with my closest friends (shout out to my godmother for that day; It was the best birthday I've ever had and I will forever be thankful). But that was the last party I've had and the first of it's kind since I was eight years old.

The lack of celebration for my birthday has been entirely my choice. You see, my mom died five days before my seventh birthday and shortly after that is when I stopped celebrating in a major way. Family dinners and small friend get-togethers were okay and super sweet but not without the thoughts of "I wish she was here" and "This is the ___th birthday she's missed." My family understood and never pushed me.

I loved the way we celebrated my birthday, though. I'm not really someone who likes draw too much attention to myself. My Grams would wake me up on my birthday morning, singing and giving me a huge birthday hug. She'd make pancakes and bacon (my favorite) and I'd have a birthday gift to open on the coffee table.

When I came home from school, my brothers would have cards or gifts on the dining room table and we'd have my favorite cake for dessert after dinner. It was always lowkey and small. My friends would bring small gifts to school but otherwise, no more attention would be brought to my birthday, upon my request.

My senior year, my oldest brother died a month before my birthday. I spent the night before my birthday crying because he and I were supposed to go to the mall, hang out, and he would have paid to get my next piercing because I was begging him to go with me for months. So for that birthday, my family went out of their way to cheer me up (for which I'm deeply thankful for) but I really didn't want to do anything at all that year because he wasn't there.

Now, two years later, I'm a sophomore in college and just last month I decided that I should celebrate and make a big deal about my birthday this year. Why, since I hadn't done that in so long? Because I'm tired of being sad and I know my mom and brother are saddened up there in wherever we go when we die, by the fact that I don't want to celebrate without them.

I miss them every day. But one day this year I woke up and said: "I'm turning twenty and my birthday has been a sad day for me for a lot more than 10 years and I'm tired of being sad." So since then, I've been adamant about having fun for my birthday. I don't want a party because I'll be twenty and honestly, all I want is pizza, but I do want to go out with my friends and the fantastic people I surround myself with and relax. But As to why I've decided this, it's because honestly, I think it's time. It's part of the steps I feel I need to take in order to let the sadness go.

It's one of the few things I can do to get myself excited for fast-approaching future. So this year I wanna dress nice and go out, eat some pizza and enjoy when my friends sing Happy Birthday to me off-key. I've decided to allow myself to be happy on this day from now on because I know my passed loved ones would want me to.

I remember all the times my brother would hug me and say "Why are you so sad? Today is the day you were born. I asked mom for a puppy but she brought you home instead and I wasn't disappointed, so be happy!" and now, I think I'll listen to him for once and miss him the way little sisters do.

I might cry a bit because wounds like these may never heal one simply learns to live with them, but when I sit down in front of that slice of birthday cake I'll dedicate my little slice of happiness to him and my mom. That day, I will celebrate in their honor and thank them for the life they have given me.