I'm gonna tell you a little story about my life. It's a little bit wonky, a bit out-of-character but altogether, me. Now, before I dive too deep into the details I need you to know that everything about my life, including where I'm at today, has been a series of random and unexpected surprises along the way. Life has taken me to every significant point and I've just been along for the ride. Most of the time, I don't get a say in what happens next, I just simply go along with it and hope for the best. That's how I've been living the last 3 1/2 years and maybe that's a part of the reason why I'm feeling so completely unsure about the next step. Which, I get, is completely 100% normal, but I'm sure you're asking me about what I want to do next, and to be completely honest, I have no idea.
You see, my entire life has kind of been planned out for me. However, as life typically does, it changes, it causes you to rethink and that's where I'm at right now. I'm unsure of what the next step is after I finish my 7 1/2 month internship with the Walt Disney Company in Orlando, Florida. I have no idea what I'll be doing next, and I have no idea if I'm even ready to know what's next, and that is the most terrifying part about it. I've always known what the "next step" is and for the first time in my life, I have no grapple on it, and no understanding of what those words even mean.
I came into college thinking I was going to be a stage manager for theatre, and as some of you may know, those plans didn't go how I wanted them to go and I was thrusted into another world which I'm not even sure was the write place for me to go after all. After completing (basically) my undergraduate career at Otterbein, I'm feeling a little bit more lost and unsure if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Maybe I'm in the trance state of being overwhelmingly exhausted that I just need a break from it all - but what if I take my break and have no strength to WANT to continue on? What if I lose the spark completely...of the little spark that I do still have left for it?
I felt I was losing my spark a long time ago, but only just figured out why I was losing it. I thought theatre was everything I wanted and everything I had ever hoped to have. However, we all know that sometimes life can change your course of actions and for me, that happened. I hate the feeling that I had "wasted my 3 1/2 years" when in reality, I haven't. Yes, I might've lost the spark and lost the energy for the field, and that may need to be recovered over the next few months, but the time I've spent creating and sculpting my life and career has been completely worthwhile. I know that my background with theatre and my degree will get me far, and the skills I've learned will be completely used, but is it so wrong if I have a change of plans?
Is it bad of me to want to explore my other outlets, to pursue other interests and maybe, just maybe, figure out what is going to make me TRULY 100% happy for the first time in my life? I don't know what the future holds for me. I do know that I'm going to cherish the 7 1/2 months I have in Orlando with all my heart, and that the Disney Company has been a dream of mine for as long as I could remember. I know that this is where I'm meant to be. This - the college program, will get me far and if it can help me with achieving my dreams of eventually being a coordinator or manager for the park, then so be it. If this leads me to grad school to get my MFA in creative writing, then so be it.
The future is beyond scary. Leaving the confines of the safety that was Westerville and Otterbein was hard - it was a steady constant, but now I'm out in the world, trying to figure out my life, and it's okay to know that what I had planned isn't necessarily working out, but figuring out what will make me happy and what will satisfy my soul is the most joyful thing I've ever had to go through. Change is good. And I have a feeling the next few months will be filled with lots of good changes, and lots of self-discovery, and for that alone, I am so excited.
