I have known stages of my life to be seemingly nothing but disappointment after disappointment. At any age it is not what you want to be feeling, but nonetheless, you get used to it. I have watched people walk in my life and repeatedly tell me that they will be here forever, they will never leave, we will be friends forever, etc. Yet, time and time again I have watched people walk away and leave without hesitation — like the words they told me were simply lines they had rehearsed in front of their bedroom mirror, lines that meant nothing. Again, at any age it is not what you want to be feeling, but no matter how sad it is, you get used to it. You get used to being let down by people that you thought cared. You get used to heartbreak that you didn’t think could be a recreated time and time again. You get used to being with someone for so long and then them vanishing with the wind. You get used to empty promises. You get used to others' negative actions toward you to the point that you just expect them. Maybe the expectations I have created prior to entering a new relationship with another person, is why nothing lasts. Maybe it is not that people continue vanishing with the wind, but me unknowingly pushing them away. Maybe, just maybe, it is my doing that I always end up seemingly alone.
My experiences from my past have me unknowingly creating holds on every new relationship I chose to indulge in prior to them ever beginning. Like a hand, I grab tight to the relationship. And instead of loosening my grip to let the relationship grow and flourish, I hold tight with fear. My pinky finger fiercely wraps around what it can in hopes that this relationship will be different. My ring finger closes in with hopes that they mean what they say. My middle finger grabs on for dear life in hopes that they won’t put me through the heartbreak I have experienced so many times before. My pointer finger grasps on in hopes that the little I have to offer won't send them on the search for something better. While lastly, my thumb joins in and grabs a hold and tucks himself away, afraid that nothing will ever be different, but still holding on in hopes that this time it will.
In reality my insecurity grasp that I manage to place on relationships isn’t on them, but rather on me. Your hand soon gets tired from holding on for so long and undoubtedly becomes weak — ultimately giving up the on the ongoing-fight.
Wanting one battle conquered to be in my favor, I clang to another human like a leech. Not leaving room for growth, but sucking them dry and them just wanting me gone. Buddha was right. “You only lose what you cling to.” I clung to the idea of forever but, to my despair, things rarely last that long. I clung to the idea of always having another person when I should have been clinging to the idea of some things aren’t meant to last and that having myself is the best person to have around. I learned that being connected to a relationship and leaving room for growth and togetherness to happen naturally is healthy and generally the key to a happier you and happier outcomes.
There is such a thing as holding on too tightly and that’s what tears you apart.
