Like many others, I struggle daily with my inability to say no. For those who are particularly empathetic or even nurturing, it's especially difficult. How can we say no to the people who are depending on us? How can we hurt their feelings like that? But we're sacrificing ourselves, our time and our levels of happiness by always saying yes.
It's important to understand that you are not responsible for the reactions of others when you do decide to say no. Often times, we say yes out of fear. We fear we will be disappointing or letting down the people who are depending on us. We're afraid that if we start saying no, then people will look at us differently, maybe even not like us as much. But having a moral obligation to always say yes only leaves us feeling resentment to those who are always asking for things from us. We may be protecting our image in the eyes of others, but we are also inherently changing our own perceptions.
Though we aren't responsible for the reactions of others, we certainly are responsible for creating boundaries and limits. Our relationships don't come with a set list of boundaries and limits, but rather must be created through open communication. If you find yourself constantly in situations in which people are always asking you to give more than you feel you are able, it's likely because you haven't taken the time to communicate your desired boundaries or limits. Whenever you agree to do something, people often mistake your unwilling compliance with the actual desire to help. They feel you are probably happy to be saying yes.
And often, the more we agree, the less valuable our yes-es become. We become the "Yes Person," the go-to, the always dependable, which can become a damaging identity to possess. Not only are we constantly sacrificing our time and our resources, but we feel unappreciated. Our yes is so expected, it's almost as if we don't have to be asked anymore. It's just assumed we will agree.
Of course it's perfectly okay to say yes, but only if we truly want to. Saying yes, sacrificing our time and helping others often makes us feel good about ourselves. So we don't completely lose in the situation, but it's important to understand when we should yes and when we should say no.
When we are always saying yes, we are putting the needs of others before our own. We are misplacing our priorities. If we don't care about ourselves and our own happiness and put our needs first sometimes, then no one else will. It's important to remember the only obligation we have is to live a happy and full life.
