I have friends. Not only that, but I love my friends. There are some that have helped me through the hardest times of my life, some that stuck by my side through my questionable high school decisions, and some life-long friends who are now like family. And before my friends, I have an actual family, a huge one at that. And while all these people mean the world to me and I wouldn’t trade them for a thing, the person that I know best is usually only present when they’re not around.
Being alone isn’t something that I’m afraid of. In fact, it’s often my preferred setting. Even around my closest family and friends, there’s always an awkward feeling present. It’s typically only noticed by me, likely because the awkward feeling is something I’m making up in my head. And being perpetually self-conscious and overly aware of 99% of my actions, social settings aren’t the simplest of tasks to handle—in fact, they’re sometimes exhausting. So after a long five days of school and work, my relief isn’t always through a night out on the town with my friends, but rather a night in with a good movie on Netflix and a huge bowl of Moose Tracks ice cream.
It’s on the days that I spend alone that I get to figure the most out about myself. And I can’t complain, being a loner has turned me into an expert observer. When you’re alone, you’re given the opportunity to pick up on faces and noises and smells and details much better than had you been distracted with someone’s company. You don’t have anyone to get angry at for distracting you away from your homework or an important task, other than yourself. And you learn how to cope and deal with things on your own terms, in your ways.
Don’t let me fool you though, I still love the long days hanging out at family reunions and holidays, I love the late nights with my roommates and best friends, and successfully meeting new people is actually quite exhilarating. And the skills and knowledge I gain from all the time I spend alone are so perfectly applicable to settings in which I’m surrounded by people! Taking a picture? I’ve likely practiced my smile in the mirror for hours. I get to pick the music on the radio? I’ve listened to so much music alone that I’ll likely rap the lyrics like a BO$$ and impress everyone. Need an open and understanding ear and a shoulder to cry on? I'm your girl-- the loner is the ultimate listener.
So while this is by no means a bash on my friends and family, nor am I saying I’d always rather be alone than spend time with them, it’s important for them to understand and recognize that I wouldn’t be who I am today without the comfort and release I experience through being alone, and being alone a lot. It's important that they know when I lock myself away in my room, I'm probably not mad or sad, I'm just processing my day, my thoughts and whatever else I need to in a way that's different from others. And it’s most important to not always equate being alone with being lonely. In fact, it’s often that I feel the loneliest when I’m surrounded by people.
