Vulnerability….the ability of being wounded or hurt. So many say that it’s okay to be vulnerable. I wish I thought the same. I HATE being vulnerable. I HATE the idea of people knowing what makes me upset and angry. And I HATE everything that makes me vulnerable.

So what do I do to deal with it. I LIE. And mostly, I LIE to myself. I tell myself that I don’t care, I tell myself I’ve let go, I tell myself I’ll be fine, I tell myself I am unbreakable. All these lies are attempts to speak things into existence. But sometimes they are not enough to stop me from falling. And every time I fall, I hate myself for it. I hate that I have weaknesses. And I definitely hate people knowing about them. WHY? Because some people will use them against you. Once they know you care, they will want to step all over you and push you to the edge, just to see how far they can push you.

For the longest time now, I thought my fear of vulnerability was what gave me my edge. But in fact it was nothing other than a terrible sign, saying please stay away. I wake up everyday feeling like the most vulnerable person on the planet. I feel like the slightest weakness I display will come back to destroy me.

If there is one thing that my fear of vulnerability has definitely taken away from me, is my ability to love. To love is to be vulnerable, to give your heart to another person. And that is something I can never do. I can never give my heart to someone. Give someone the ability to control how I feel or worst, give them the option to break my heart.

But maybe one day I will, maybe one day I'll surrender to love without even knowing it. Maybe one day I can escape this cage, which only I have the key for.