I know it sounds crazy. But besides Halloween, I don't like holidays. I don't like Thanksgiving. I don't like the fourth of July, I don't like Passover or Hannukah but I really don't like Christmas. I actually despise it. I love giving people gifts and I do like receiving them. But I don't like the holiday, and here's why.
On March 15th 2013, my Grandpa died. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my second period English class, texting. Like you do when you're a Junior in High School (Sorry Mr. Dorame). Anyway, my Grandpa had been sick. Like really sick. He had just been put on hospice maybe three or four days before. It was a thursday, and I was supposed to be driving up to Springfield to visit the next day. My dad was already there, so in all honesty, I don't remember how I was going to get there. I guess my mom drove me up. Whatever. Anyway, so I get a text from my dad saying, "call me when you can." So I freak out. I run up to Mr. Dorame, explain that my Grandpa's sick and ask if I can step out and call my dad. Like the sweet man he is, he says yes, so I step out and call him. I remember my dad asking where I was. When I told him, he said he'd tell me later but I told him that I wanted to know right then. I'll never forget what he said, "Grandpa passed away." Standing right outside my classroom, I sobbed. Like harder then I had ever sobbed before. I remember trying to calm down so I could walk back in. I took deep breaths and did all of the calming things my mom always reminds me to do, but it didn't work. I walked back in and I remember Mr. Dorame smiling at me and giving me a thumbs up. I began to cry again as I shook my head no. I remember three or four kids that sat on the other side of the room laughing at me. Thankfully my friend Natalie saw me beginning to cry so she grabbed me and gave me a huge hug. I left the room with permission and didn't know where to go or what to do. I roamed the halls crying for a bit before I decided to go to see my counselor. She wasn't available, but since I was crying they had me talk to one of the social workers. I remember sobbing while she looked at me with concern. She asked if I wanted to go home, but for some reason I said no and got a pass to my next class.
I still don't understand why I said no. I went to gym, which usually one of my favorite classes because I had my favorite teacher, Geo. It was a free day in gym that day, so we could play volleyball or basketball or walk the track. My friend asked if I wanted to play volleyball but I declined and walked the track for a minute or two before I started crying again. So I sat down behind a half wall in our field house, next to the track. I remember there was this girl who came up to me and asked if I was ok. I said yes even though I was obviously not, and she said she'd beat whoever did this to me up. That made me laugh, but it was one of the nicest things that anyone had said to me. Seeing that I was sitting and not walking, Geo came over to me and said something sassy. I don't remember what he said, but I remember the smile he gave me before he realized I wasn't smiling back. I immediately began to cry again. He then sprinted out of the gym and quickly came back with my counselor. Still in my hideous gym clothes, I walked up to her office and explained what happened. She told me I could go home but yet again I declined. After I told her what happened, she warned the rest of my teachers and told them that I was excused no matter what if I needed to leave their classroom. After I changed back into my normal clothes, I went up the stairs and saw my best friend in the hallway. I remember that sometimes she would go to the crew room and eat lunch there and I could sit with some other people, or by myself. She saw me and said hi and I began to cry again. I asked mer to sit with me at lunch because I really needed her, and she agreed. I remember all of the people staring at me as i stood in the hallway and cried. I had two more periods after lunch and I remember both of my teachers coming up to me and telling me that it was ok if I had to leave the room. I didn't though. I was ok for those two classes. But I didn't go to school the next day. The week after that either. Then it was spring break, and I stayed inside and barely even showered. I tried to go to school the next week, went for one day, then stayed home the rest of the week. It brought my grades down but that didn't worry me at the time. I just missed my Grandpa and hated everything. Even though it's been so many years, I'm not over it. And I never will be.
This seems quite random, but it's not. When my Grandpa died, something inside me changed. I was already depressed, but I became negative and full of anger at the world. I stopped believing in God after my Grandpa died. I hated my family for a while too. I hated everyone actually. I was broken, and with that brokeness, came my hatred of every holiday. Especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. I think it's because of all of my memories of my Grandpa around the holidays, and the fact that no matter what I or any of my family did, nothing would ever be the same. So instead of embracing change, I decided to hate it. I still don't like those holidays. They make me sad and angry. I'm trying to find the happiness the holiday's used to bring me, but its just not happening. Even this last Thanksgiving. I wrote about it before so no need for detail, but at one point after a hike, my dad and I were sitting on a bench talking. We were in a gorgeous park by a waterfall, but I was crying. I don't know if he noticed, but Grandpa was mentioned at some point in our deep conversation, and it was all over. I wish I could tell you that I'm fine now. That I have accepted what happened and have moved on. But I want to be honest in my writing. Having a loved one die SUCKS. And it sucks for a really long time. I'm still grieving. Literally crying about it while I type this. But anyway, if anyone I know ever is confused when I say I hate holidays this is why. Because all I think about is losing one of my favorite people in the world. Sorry for the depressing post. I really do wish everyone a happy holidays, but if you wouldn't mind... maybe don't wish me one?
