This is the story of Text Message Read Receipts, and how they ruined electronic communication in my life.
Okay, maybe that was a little Jesse Andrews-esque dramatic there, but the reality is that read receipts suck. I mean, I know you can turn them off for yourself, so that everyone else has no idea whether you read their text about Hanging Out At The Hookah Bar Next Friday Or Saturday, but can you turn it off for other peoples phones?
I am obviously not the only one with this problem. Just Google Image Search "read receipts meme", and you will find an endless stream of them and they are all quite bitter.
It can be depressing. Seeing that little Opened at 8:16 PM text at the bottom of the screen is about as soul crushing as watching the first ten minutes of “Up”. (And if that reference does not make sense to you, then fix that immediately.)
Like, “oh, you read my message and decided it wasn’t worth the time to respond. Cool, cool.”
First Lie You Can Tell Yourself: Maybe they suddenly developed narcolepsy, and fell asleep uncontrollably just as they opened your message, dropping their phone to the floor and cracking the screen for the third (no wait, fourth) time, as their face falls helplessly into a bowl of oatmeal.
Oh gosh, I hope it’s cold oatmeal.
The Second Lie You Can Tell Yourself: Or maybe, they fainted because they were so excited to get your message. Yeah, that’s a nice classic one.
The Third Lie You Can Tell Yourself: Or just as they opened your message, one of their grandparents suddenly had a heart attack right in front of them and they immediately had to start doing CPR on their beloved Mee-Maw and do you really think your little message is more important than MEE-MAW?!
You Should Feel Bad. You selfish jerk.
Why I Hate Them, Personally.
I guess most of this stems from personal insecurity. Like, how I’m not physically amazing or perceptibly beautiful, like Channing Tatum.
Or how I’m not rich and get to do a job or career I enjoy for a living, like Channing Tatum.
Or how I’m not really funny or talented and get to use that talent on a regular basis with people, like Channing Tatum.
I rest my case.
The Hard, Statistical Data to Back It All Up.
Anyway, in my research of this, the original intent was to garner confidence in the iMessage system, as the BlackBerry Messenger had done before. You know your message has sent because the phone literally tells you “hey, got your message, bro!” That way, there is no confusion as to whether or not an important message was received through the ether of the wirelessly connected Internet.
So, it had noble beginnings; nevertheless, I would dare to say a majority of people using apps like iMessage or Facebook Messenger are not the business professionals that carried around BlackBerry’s in years past.
But, it seems for apps like Facebook Messenger and Text Message on your phone, you can only disable your own notifications to other people. Not vice versa. So, if you want to make a pact with who you are messaging and maybe these atrocities of modern technological society can be removed from your life.
(Just don’t start a murderous cult or anything, because I don’t want that traced back to me.)
The Part Where It’s Finally Concluded.
So that’s how you can solve any problems you might have with read receipts. Unless you use Snapchat, then there is no hope for any change. But, that’s kind of the point of their app, right?
Overall, I think we all can agree that read receipts have made us all upset at some point in time or another, even if they are helpful a fraction of the time.
The Part Where We Discuss Like Calm, Cognizant Adults.
As Kevin Peterson, or the1janitor on YouTube, says: “Das Jus Me Doe.”
What do you all think, though?
Do you hate read receipts, like me?
Or do you love them, making you someone I might reconsider a friendship with? (Kidding, kidding.)
Do you think they should be able to be disabled entirely by someone on their own app or phone?
Do you refuse to use apps at all, for you fear the machine takeover of Skynet in the not too distant future?
Let me know in the comments down below!