I believe in God, the Father almighty,
creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God's only Son, our Lord,
who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried;
he descended to the dead.
On the third day he rose again;
he ascended into heaven,
he is seated at the right hand of the Father,
and he will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting.

Amen.

"Who can tell us what the Holy Spirit is"?

It all begins with a question, or in this case, a series of unanswered questions. As I sat perplexed in my 3rd-grade religion class, I squirmed in my kilt, passing notes, as well as the time. I was asked what, or who, the Holy Spirit is. My tongue snapped: "Well it is everything": the perfect Catholic school bull shit response, guarantying my A and Good Noodle Star.

But what was it? As I was taught, it really is everything. It is the space in between a boy and a girl when they dance, it is the ABC $10 dollar wine served at mass, it is the spit swapped in the blood of Christ, the jimmy smoked by every priest after mass, it is in every boy, girl, murderer, terrorist, and rapist, and human being. It is God.

But how? How did this happen? How did God become a God then? Who birthed him? How did Mary have a child without sex? How did Jesus die and rise on the third day?

All these answers were spelled out in a holy textbook, but I still got the questions wrong. All the years of Catholic propaganda being shoved down my throat finally made be gag. After my 8 years, I walked out of the warden's office and never returned.

Given everything I was taught that fateful day, God would be this all-powerful being who holds people's hand through life; he is the comforter of aliments and the bringer of light. I ask myself, if this God is real, and has this much power over us weaker specimens, why is there so much pain, genocide, homicide, rape? How could he lead his sheep to slaughter?

Because God is a fucking asshole.

God is the little boy who sets fire to the anthill and laughs. God is one who pisses in our Cheerios. God is the bully who kicks sand in your face on the playground. God is the snake that eats the bird eggs from the nest.

"But God does not do bad things, he represents the good in all man, even the unrighteous"

As we have learned from Mr. Stevenson, like Dr. Jehkyll and Mr. Hyde, one man cannot be solely good or bad; they marry together in harmony. If God isn't man, then "he" shouldn't be referred to as "he". With all good, God could influence the bad. If he guides the hand of his shepherd, he could guide the hand of every hand that rapes every child, every stab that cuts flesh, and needle that punctures the skin. If God and the holy spirit are present in every man, then couldn't they, too, bad?

It isn't holy, it is wicked.

However, I believe none of this.

I do not believe God gave me cancer.

I do not believe God made my dog die.

I don't believe God made terrorists kill people.

And I don't believe God made me do anything.

Do I believe in God? Not really. Nothing is for sure though, like I will never say aliens aren't real, Johnson might not have assassinated Kennedy, Tupac might be living underground with Elvis and Houdini, or that Obama might be a Russian spy sent to shoot lasers into our houses at night (yes I have heard this). I don't know. On the other hand, I refuse to say that "it" controls our fate, our lives, what we do, who we fuck, or why we do the things we do.

The world is a fucked up. During times of hardship, hospice, and hostile heartbreaks, people need something to believe in, whether that is a mythical it in the clouds, or a fairy that lives off the laughter of children, or even bigfoot. Whatever gets you through the day, believe in it; fuck if it's wrong or not, who is to know.

But I don't need that. I believe in myself.

Now and forever,

Amen.