It’s the celebration of our great nation, and you’re all invited.
It's basically the middle of the summer season and all you've seen is the inside of your cubicle. You’re drowning in business casual attire, and if you’re a fool, you’ve spent your 9-5 hungover and getting coffee. Needless to say, summer isn’t everything it used to be. If you’re a working, ‘real’ human this summer, you haven’t worn your letters for quite some time...your boss doesn’t necessarily appreciate a frocket and homemade lunch packed in a painted cooler, so you’ve suppressed the Greek party animal within. The beer hungry, Ke$ha craving beast has been denied all indulgences and you’re sick and tired of being a slave to the man, the clock, and income tax. So when you see Fourth of July on the horizon, the promise of a post game, a day drink, and girls scantily clad in color coordinated attire hangs in the air:
1. You finally have more that two days to get drunk this weekend: Praise the founding fathers that the 4th falls on a Friday this year. A 3-day weekend means more drinking and more beach time. Cheers Benjamin!
2. You will always have appropriate attire to wear: Thankfully, your fraternity or sorority always designs at least one v-neck or tank that cheesily incorporates your letters into a cliché American slogan
3. Everyone is chillin', even the cops: Even though school’s out for the summer, that college-cop-radar installed in you is on high alert...especially when the armed forces and friends are everywhere you turn with their beer coozies and Gap American flag t-shirts. Hey, the po-po are free Americans too kids. They too want to fly their USA colors with pride and throw back a few beers.
4. You can sing Wagon Wheel as many times as you please, maybe even enough times ‘till you actually know the lyrics.
5. Every house has an open door policy: Even if your not a brother of their frat and don’t have cash for the cover, Fourth of July shows us the bigger picture. Everyone knows USA’s secret handshake—iPhone in one hand, drank in the other, you can’t even handshake so all is well. Welcome my American brotheren!
6. Chubbies are a hot commodity: Heck, they’re even encouraged. Your thighs need the tan and ‘Merica doesn’t have enough stars or stripes to cover the appropriate amount of you. So go ahead, girls aren’t the only ones who can sport short shorts!
7. Aside from a family wedding, it's the only other holiday appropriate to day drink with your parents, extended family and honestly any person 20 years your senior.
8. The food of the 4th is absolutely the perfect drunk food. (It’s just a plus that it also fits this weekend’s party allowance)
9. It gives your partying a purpose, therefore you can go extra hard. Nothing wrong with a weekend rager celebrating the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. Plus, you can finally listen to those EDM beats (you know the cool songs you found on Sound Cloud that you've been turning down on your ipod during your daily commute to work), out loud and be the trendy kid at the post-game with the under cover super sick songs.
10. When you accidentally sing your sorority song and throw up your gang sign, you won't have to feel embarrassed, because you'll know that frat and srat stars all across the USA are right there with ya.