I never thought falling in love would suck. When you read stories, watch movies, and listen to songs about people in love, it's always this beautiful, almost fairy-tale like, experience. No matter the twists and turns the plot might take, it always works out "happily ever after." I wish that's how real life worked.  

My first love is one I will never forget. He took me by complete surprise, swept me off my feet, and rescued me from believing love didn't exist. He was gorgeous. He was kind. He was one of the most popular guys in the school. And he fell for me. The quiet girl no one knew.

I remember being absolutely shocked that you knew my name. You took my world by storm in the greatest way possible, making me laugh harder than I ever had before and bringing out a side of me I never knew was there. You made me believe things I had convinced myself weren't true about guys, love, and fairy-tales. I genuinely thought you were forever.  

A month passed, then 11 more. Things began to change. It started to become less of a head-over-heels type relationship, and more of a toxic one. Blinded by love, I didn't see it. You were in college. I was still in high school. You weren't the person I once knew. You had grown. You had begun to experience the change freshman year forces upon you that I didn't understand yet, but now do.

I was broken. 

For months after, I tried to fix it. Tried to fix myself to fit this new you. Tried to make the new you fit me. I desperately tried to understand the place you were at in life and the things you were going through, but I couldn't. While you were away, I would convince myself that I didn't need you, that I would be okay without you, that we were over. Then you would come home. Every happy memory, everything we once were, came flooding back. I would cry and tell you how bad I hurt. You would cry and tell me how things would change. Every time I believed it, yet every time I would fall right back in.  

For a week, sometimes two, things would be great. You were your old self. We were our old selves. Then, over night, things went back to the way they were. I was stuck on a never ending roller-coaster ride. All I really wanted to do was get off.  

Fast forward almost two years later, and I can finally say that I have gotten off. Finally, I am moving on. Finally, I am done running back to you, allowing myself to believe this time will be different, and pretending to be the quiet girl in the halls of our high school. That's not to say that there aren't still a million and one things that happen in my every day that don't cause me, if only for a second, to stop and want to tell you this. That's not to say I won't still look at our pictures every now and again and think about all the smiles, laughter, happiness, and love that was shared. The difference now is that I don't call or text you when there's something I want to share. I can remember the good things without letting the bad creep in. I can set the memories down, and walk away. The pain, the heartache, and the brokenness doesn't have power over me any more.  

Before I got to this point, I used to think that when I did, I would hate you. Oddly enough though, I don't. I don't regret a single bit of the time I spent with you or thinking about you. Every second of it molded me in ways I can't even begin to explain, and I can't than you enough for that. You taught me so many lessons and so much about myself. You were exactly what I needed for a season. After all, that's all it was: a season.  

Sheryl Crow said it best, "The first cut is the deepest." Falling in love for the first time is absolutely magical, but falling out of love for the first time sucks (honestly, I'm not sure if you ever truly fall completely out of love with someone). You learn so much from your first love, and grow so much through your first heartbreak (and probably the second, third, and fourth too I'm just not there yet). Your first love makes you feel beautiful and strong. He makes you laugh, love, cry, and live harder than you thought was ever possible. I'm so proud to say that my first love hasn't ruined me or made me into a cynic. I know that when the time comes, I'll be ready to try to love again.