So you’ve been talking a while. You’ve met a great guy or girl, and you’re pretty sure you’re perfect for each other. Then why, after the fun times and your deep connection, don’t they want a commitment?
Fear of commitment is rampant in today’s world. I’m pretty guilty of that. I have decision-making problems, I can’t commit to a new purse, I have problems committing to what bag of chips to buy, and God help me if I ever have to choose a wedding dress. I fear that I’ll make the wrong choice and regret my decision. If I pick a bag of chips, I might grow tired of the flavor before I finish the bag. Or if I buy the expensive purse, what do I do if I find a nicer one later? And that dress? It lives on in pictures forever.
What’s the connection between deciding on a bag of chips and a relationship partner? The answer lies in the Paradox of Choice, explored in a famous study by Columbia University. In it, there were two tables selling jams, one with far more jams than the other. Although customers were more drawn to the table with more jams, more people actually bought jams at the table with fewer choices. More choices are exciting, but make it more difficult to commit.
The paradox of choice shows that more choices can result in dissatisfaction with the choice made. And if there’s more choices, we are also pickier.
Online dating has proved to be a great source of data for modern dating trends. It has allowed people to be pickier and have stringent and unrealistic standards for a partner. For example, online dating relies even more heavily on appearance than offline dating. Or because of the seemingly infinite number of choices, someone might swipe left for someone just because he’s wearing flip-flops with socks in his profile picture—though that may be for the best.
A large number of choices has planted the belief that there are an infinite number of potential partners and therefore always something better out there. This belief is also what has created a widespread fear of commitment.
There are two reasons why someone may be unwilling to enter a relationship:
- In that moment, they are not open to any relationship at all, regardless of who it is.
- They believe they can do better.
So why does someone enter a relationship?
- Because they don’t think they can do better--either because they believe their partner is the cream of the crop (yay!) or because they believe they can’t catch anyone better (this is called settling).
You want to be the best option. If your potential significant other doesn’t see you as the best choice, or is constantly looking for someone better, a commitment is not in the stars.
The modern age with all of its glittering technology and fast-paced lifestyle has made commitment even more difficult. Hookup culture is the norm in college. Divorce rates have risen and less people are getting married. Marriage age has risen as well. It’s no surprise that less people are making commitments and perhaps this mindset is detrimental to overall happiness.
Just because there are unlimited choices does not mean that seeking the best will make you happy. A constant search for “better” will only lead to unhappiness when you do make a choice. Stay grateful for what you have and appreciate those around you. Only then will your choices make you happy.
