Picture this...

I am on my way back from the doctors office. Don't worry, I have a common cold, it's not what I originally thought pre-doctor's visit when I did a little scrolling on Web MD and came to the conclusion I had Valley fever because I live in the Valley and you get it from dust and I swept my apartment the day prior. Now my new diagnosis... "common cold" and "overworking myself" is the real predicament I have on my hands. Which thankfully, is something I can deal with. So in that case, mama's gonna go home, have a nice tall glass of vino, kick back her feet and do a little Bachelor recap. No problemo. I can handle this.

So I do just that. I go home, I wash my face twice (it's a strange habit please don't judge) and I get into my silk pj's that grams got me one Christmas. I sit down on my couch at 5pm ready to take on the next five hours of staring at a large screen but really looking at my little iPhone screen and not pay attention to my television because that's what millennials like myself spend their time doing. We stare at two screens because one's not enough.

So I'm sitting there having the time of my life, but mostly bored, and I notice that my roommate left a few dishes in the sink that have flies buzzing around them. So I get up from my "peaceful" five minutes of "me" time and I clean them. And just because I'm up, I decide to Swiffer the floors, whiten my teeth, and throw a face mask on as well. All at the same time of course. But really when I say Swiffer the floor I'm actually on Insta while holding a Swiffer, with a face mask on. So then I sit back down because, after all, this is supposed to be a sick day remember? And I never get these kind of days, so the fact that I'm wasting it pretending to clean, is nonsense if you ask me.

So I sit down and play on my phone again. Yeah know, jotting down some ideas I've had in the last three minutes, browsing some lifestyle blogger, refreshing the FB of a few exes, ya know.... that whole thing. and then.... I get a phone call with no caller ID. And I'm like, hmm, two things this could be. A random I gave my number to because I'm empathetic and afraid of saying no... a task/ freelance job that I haven't completed yet, or the bank.... And because I'm a post-grad now and I am attempting to do my best at this whole adulting thing, I decide to answer it. But of course I'm too late and miss it from weighing my options back and forth. So I go back to my normal browsing patterns. Except I've looked through all my apps too many times already, there really isn't much left to see, so I decide to use my last resort, scrolling through Venmo transactions and see whose paying who and so on. And please don't tell me you've never done that before.

Until I get another call by the same number. HOLY- I stop myself from answering. Because it could be the Orthodox Jewish Temple that I drunkenly signed up for one night thinking I should join a religion. They call me often. I go back to what I'm doing. And then BOOM, it's them again. Dammit, I'll answer. Hello? I say.

"Hello, this is an automated message for Lily Drew. You have 300 dollars of fraudulent charges from Barnes and Noble in Orlando, Florida, as well as a 22 dollar limo service ride."

So you're telling me, someone stole my info and charged 300 dollars at a book store followed by a twenty dollar limo ride?! Holy smokes I like this guy already. Then I get a text from my mom to fix this problem now. so I give ol' Wells Fargo a call back and I fix it. But all this nonsense is really taking a lot out of me so I decide I have to pee, so I go into the bathroom and I attempt to take off my jean jumper and deal with misses bank lady.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to put you on hold." Cue classical Mozart music.

So I'm sitting there on the phone trying to deal with these charges as I'm peeing, and then I hear a little buzz like I got a text or something. And it's none other than an ex of Christmas past. So I jolt and throw my phone up into the air. But I do it so high up that it even gave me a little time to hop up and do a weird little swatting dance with it. I miss my phone of course, because I never did well in P.E., and there it goes, plummeting downward into the loo. And of course I managed to give the toilet a little flush right before this gem of an accident happened, so not only did it submerge into the toilet water, but it made circles down the back drain as well. So I, being a resourceful type, lasso my small fingers down the toilet and snatch it up flinging it into the air once more. It's ON. And it's a miracle. I throw it at a towel as if it's a burning flame, and I give it a quick pat down, squealing and shrieking the whole time. But nonetheless, it's light dies. It flickers out like the burning star that it is. A lost actor on Hollywood blvd with no hope for the future; the fallen star amongst them all.

I buried my little guy in couscous because that was all that I had. Dumb, idea (please never do this) Apparently people say to put water damaged phones in rice because the grains are big enough to not get trapped in the tiny holes. That's what the Apple genius guy said when I walked into the Apple store with couscous in my charging hole thing. Smart call, Lil. That's what I get for being healthy and buying whole grain couscous. Oh and to top that, my cards have fraud and I wasn't able to finish my banker lady chick phone call. Oh, and no upgrade. So there goes any social world I thought I was apart of. I am now a has been.

I walk outside the 3rd street promenade with my couscous container and my dignity strapped to my back like a triathlete's sweat drenched backpack. I walked myself over to the santa Monica Pier to give myself perspective. Something about looking out across the big wide ocean while holding a box filled with couscous that looks like you're carrying cat litter can really do wonders to a girl and her confidence level. It was time to no longer dwell in my iPhone sorrows and get myself out into the world again. Phone-less. How could I be so controlled by these first world issues?! I didn't need a phone. No one needs a phone! I am a woman capable of living my life to the fullest without a phone or a credit card!

So I threw my couscous into the air and leapt up and down... I then yelled out some mantra I learned at YogaTropics and danced in a rain of dropping couscous. Pretty sure the homeless man on the bench next to me pointed and laughed. But that wasn't stopping me! I was a woman on a mission. A mission to live an unconventional approach to living. Living in the moment, the authentic way.... if I could only figure out how to drive home without Waze.....

Tune in next week to see how my week went living on the edge with no cellular device! See ya! (true story)