I've hashed out the nitty gritty details of the disorder, but let me better explain the reasons why. When I entered residential treatment, I told people my eating disorder was because I was afraid to gain weight. On the surface, yes that's a very valid, very true statement. Throughout the past eight years I've had periods of very disordered behavior and eating and periods of normalized behavior and eating. It's during the periods of normalized behavior and eating that a switch flips, a trigger hits, and I see my body getting uncontrollably bigger and bigger. Eating disorders, especially anorexia, thrive off of body dysmorphia which WebMD defines as "a distinct mental disorder in which a person is preoccupied with an imagined physical defect or defect that others cannot see." For those with an eating disorder, this physical defect is their weight, size, and shape. Body dysmorphia has plagued me from an early age.

During elementary and middle school I became the world's biggest tomboy, wearing boy's athletic shorts and t-shirts because I wasn't comfortable in my femininity. Add to that the idea that women are supposed to be petite, frail, porcelain dolls and I saw myself as a giant, literally. I'm five foot nine and have always been on the taller side. Through my early schooling I always felt very awkward and like I stood out, but in a bad way. Freshman year of high school though I was voted onto the homecoming court which came as one of the biggest surprises of my young life. To think that people thought I was pretty was unnatural, terrifying, and extremely new to me. Through therapy I've come to realize I'm a people pleaser so at this point in life, if people thought I was pretty, I needed to keep up that image. I've worn makeup almost every day since then (it's only recently I've become more confident without it) and turned myself into a devoted fashionista. If you're starting to sense a trend, I've never really felt comfortable in my own skin or had the courage to let my true self shine through. I've always lived for others, thinking that their opinions, attention, and friendship gave me purpose, meaning, and placement. As discussed in the previous post, once college hit I adopted the "healthy, toned, and fit" identity up until recently.

All this to say, my eating disorder was initially an attempt to keep the shape and body I desired but more importantly, became my identity. It also became a best friend, something I could turn to in times of need and times of distress. Freshman year of high school I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which many people scratch their heads at because don't we all get stressed? An anxiety disorder, however, is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about every day life events with no obvious need for worry. Daily life is a constant state of worry, fear, and dread and eventually becomes so dominant that it interferes with daily functioning and activities. Living with such worry and fear was exhausting for which the eating disorder provided escape. Have you ever gone a little too long without food and felt yourself getting hangry and losing energy? That was a feeling I began to crave because when I lost energy, I lost emotions. My emotions were numbed by the stabbing hunger pains and searing exhaustion. As I write this I realize what a double-edged sword it had become for me. On one side it provided me an identity to fill a void in my heart dug from years of feeling my personality wasn't enough, wasn't valuable. On the other side it was an escape from the pain and disgust I felt for myself from this lack of identity and lack of confidence.