This past year I have been going through some pretty intense therapy sessions to help my ongoing struggle with anxiety and depression. One thing I learned while in therapy was that every issue I have regarding anxiety is deeply rooted in my relationship with my father. No, he was not technically absent in my life. He showed up to some swim meets and piano recitals, he played the part of a good father, but he was not who he pretended to be.
My father has cut himself off from almost everyone who has ever loved him. He drove my mother away and my sister. The only reason I stayed around longer than them was because I felt bad for him that he had almost no one left to care for him. I thought I was doing him a favor and that he might secretly be grateful. This was not the case.
Fast forward to two weeks ago when I heard my own father calling me 'lazy' and 'disrespectful.' I thought back to all the times my therapist had tried to convince me that I was not lazy or disrespectful or even disgraceful, but rather that these names my father called me were all caused by his issues and his illness. Even my own friends that are my age and don't have a degree in psychology tell me that I need to see the truth beyond his manipulation and lies.
So with all of this advice in mind I finally decided to confront him after 19 years of neglect and abuse. I packed the stuff I wanted from my room (because I knew he would tell me to leave after this conversation) and walked down to his room. He was sitting in his chair when I told him I did not feel welcome in this house he rebuilt with his new wife and his new grandchildren and his new family. It was no longer the house I learned to walk in or danced around with my sister in. He consciously cut me and my sister out of his life, for what reason I do not know.
Of course the conversation of me moving out of his house turned into his monetary threats. I told him to keep his money. I will pay for my college on my own, and my CNA training on my own, and anything else on my own. I was done being manipulated into staying with the threat of being broke. I told him he drove everyone who has ever actually cared about him rather than his money away. He denied ever being abusive or neglectful in any way. The last thing I said to him before I got my bags and left was:
"You are going to regret this one day when you are old and have no one to take care of you because you drove your children away."
I remember driving to my mom's house in tears when I received a call from my father. I answered in hopes of him wanting me to come back or apologize. He called because only wanted his car back.
