The thing they didn't tell me about divorce is that it sucks. I guess that is obvious, considering it isn't supposed to be fun. Well, let me be the first of many to share that this shit hurts. Now, let us not get confused; this is not a post about my revenge or how I sing Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You" after my fifth consecutive shot of Fireball. No. This is a post from me (after the crippling depression slaughtered my soul and ripped apart my will to live) to me after I learned the sun does in fact, come out tomorrow.
All jokes and puns aside, ow. OW. Who the hell didn't tell me that all of this would be so invasive that I would not know how to pick myself up again for months on end? Who the hell didn't let me in on the secret that the person you love can become the person you hate? Who allowed me to die inside each time I tried to reach out to my ex-husband trying to understand why? Oh. Duh. ME.
Single, Not Alone :: Relationship Goals (Part 2) www.youtube.com
Allow me to explain, you see, before I met the love of my life I was not okay. And when you enter a marriage or any relationship when you are not okay, it fails. The ugliness in my soul was exposed. I was gutted like a fish, all my insides, all my secrets were hanging out for the world to see. I tried picking up everything and putting it back in place but once they were exposed, they could not fit inside me anymore.
When I came home, all my prior wounds were torn open, all traumas relived, and now I had blood at my feet from my divorce. (Relax, I am speaking about my soul not my actual physical self...although self-harm is real and if you are at that point please contact the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255). There were things inside of me that I did not know had not healed. I don't know why young me thought someone could take away my pain for me, but I learned that I am responsible for myself. And I can go on being angry and constantly victimizing myself or I can grow from it and come out a stronger woman than I was when I walked down the aisle.
I found my way back. I found a way to live with my gutted self and instead of holding it all in, I just kept the bad shit out and brought all of it to a therapist and to the altar. Whether I believed in something or not, when my wounds (physical or mental) started hurting, the pain throbbed until I screamed and begged for mercy. That's the thing about pain, it cannot and will not be ignored; it demands to be felt.
Marshmello ft. Bastille - Happier (Official Lyric Video) www.youtube.com
The video posted shocked me, Pastor Michael Todd put so many things into words that silenced the thoughts that scream at me and validated these key facts: I am saved. I am forgiven. I am okay. It may be too late for me because the papers were signed and alas, he has moved on. However, I am sharing this with those who are looking for a way out. Who are looking for a way to get away from themselves. I promise it gets better but please do not harm others in trying to save yourself. I am happier living a life for God and for myself. I know my ex-husband is happier and that is the morbid truth when the wrong decisions are made.
I hope that all those out there who are not okay with themselves fight for their happiness. Fight for your right (cue the Beastie Boys) to live a life that does not make you scream and cry into your pillow, fight for a life that you want to live.