It's an issue I've dealt with ever since picking out my first bra or getting my ears out for the first time. I have never been good at making choices and sticking to them without some regret after. Of course, there have been times where I'd make a fantastic decision for example, where to eat, which outfit to wear and if I should run for another ten minutes at the gym! But when it comes to decisions like dating and becoming someone's girlfriend or getting tattoo, second thoughts come running along. It's not that I don't like the person, it's the fear that I'd waste my time and either get heartbroken or break a heart, which is never fun.
I see girls my age in happy relationships and I think to myself if I will ever have that one day. Seeing couples do activities together makes me wonder how long they got to know each other before plunging into a committed relationship is always just what makes me stop and think. I would definitely be in a relationship right now if I found someone who was a hundred percent on board and who I felt comfortable with being myself around. It's hard for me to make physical contact even, and to open up about my desires and opinions because I am afraid of judgment. I praise the girls who are strong minded and don't give a care about what people think. I've been insecure for about twenty years, hearing mixed things about my looks, voice, likes and dislikes, etc. It may be the reason I'm always so unsure and can't say a full yes when someone asks me if I want to go on another date, what if I say one wrong thing and that drives them away? If it's happened once it can easily happen again.
Even back in high school, I'd hear my friends gush to me about their dream college and what they want in their career like they had it all mapped out. I've learned sometimes mapping things out in front of you and making a plan for yourself sometimes cannot be the best solution for it may lead to disappointment. It's cute to imagine it when you're little but as you grow, things may change as you do. You never know what may be around the corner-it being good or bad there's never a guarantee until you're told yes or no. The college you've dreamed of could reject you, you could be heartbroken. That's why I'm choosing to go with the flow and not be too hard on things. Commitment isn't on my mind right now because I am young and learning. I'm bound to make mistakes and I don't want to be tied down while just trying to have fun and learn who I am first before I can say yes to anything.
