“Possible sex is the only reason people stay friends with their exes. Burn ‘em swiftly and send their ashes to Poseidon,” says Nick Miller (Jake Johnson) in Season 3, Episode 15 of "New Girl."
As usual, Nick’s line here is very funny and catches your attention, but is also way over the top. The very essence of having an ex implies that at one time you thought that person worthy of your time—you liked them, found them attractive or entertaining, whatever it was. The 180-degree change from those feelings to wishing your ex no longer existed can be a bit much to wrap one’s head around.
Nick says that the only reason anyone would attempt to stay friends with their ex is the possibility of future sex, which I’m sure is sometimes the reason. However, we often get caught up in this all-or-nothing mentality. We think that our relationships with others are either completely platonic or completely sexual, when in fact, psychology research tells us the exact opposite—human sexuality falls on a spectrum, and we are almost never feeling only one of those two options.
This line of logic leads you to think that once you’ve been intimate with someone, your relationship must be different—it is fully changed, and irrevocably so, from the platonic relationship you once had. So, when we break up with our significant other and find ourselves unable to return to having 100 percent platonic feelings all the time, we decide to just pretend that person no longer exists. For some relationships, this may be the best choice for a number of reasons. You don’t want that person in your life anymore.
What about those of us who could still benefit from this person we really like staying in our life, though? Is it possible to recognize the growth and changes, both individually and in your relationship, and stay friends? To consult the all-knowing research, many psychologists say that being friends with your ex is extremely complicated and its success depends on a number of factors. In the end, it depends on your motives behind the friendship. Maybe the two of you would have made better friends all along and that was a main reason for the breakup. However, there’s a risk of staying emotionally stuck on your ex because keeping them in your life is a constant reminder of what used to be.
Unsurprisingly, in matters of human relationships, no one can tell you the final answer on whether or not you can be friends with your ex. The truth is that it depends on so many complicated elements, and most importantly, how you feel about the situation. The thing to remember is to not allow other people to tell you whether you can or cannot be friends with your ex. At the end of the day, it’s your relationship, it matters most to you, and its fate is in your hands.
