Seeing a stranger deal with depression is hard to watch, but what's even more challenging is having to watch someone you love battle this horrible disease.
Your older sister comes to you for help, and you feel so hopeless because you can't understand what in the hell is going on in their head or what they are mentally dealing with. It kills you on the inside. You wanted to be the hero and make everything better, make her pain disappear forever, even though you knew there were days where nothing could possibly okay for her. It tore your heart in half, to see her struggling, fighting, to see her overtaken by the darkness. And the worst part is, she dragged you into it as well. Your older sister just felt worse knowing what she did to you; she made her little sister hurt, and that's the last thing she wanted.
It killed her when she saw those cuts on your arms and legs. Watching you turn to self-harm for your only way of help, she couldn't understand. She wanted to but she couldn't. To this day, she still remembers the day you went to her, desperate, crying with a handful of blades asking her to get rid of them for you. She knew you weren't strong enough to get rid of them on your own, and it became one of her lowest points in life. Once again, she was at a loss; you dumped your most prized possessions on her, she had no idea what to do or what to say, she was stunned. The image of you covered in cuts and scars burns in her memory today. The picture of you crying alone in your bed and reaching for that blade for help makes her cringe. It breaks down every happy thought in her mind, makes her so sick to her stomach. She couldn't keep watching you hurt.
It was so hard for her to see you cry and hurt and not know the right words to make it better, knowing there was nothing she could do to make it all go away. She struggled, she hurt, and she fought watching you day after day hiding in your room clutching that blade, watching you plan suicides. She was hurting just as much as you were possibly even more. You are her idol, her hero, and all she wanted was to see you smile.
But you see that's what makes the good times a million times more cherishable and memorable. When she saw you smiling or laughing with her, it made her heart happy, and all the pain disappeared, because she knew, as long as you were having a great time, the pain was gone, and you weren't hurting anymore. And that's when she knew. All she had to do was make you laugh to make your pain go away temporarily. It was the only method that seemed to work so that's instantly what she turned to and always will.
But you've gotten better now; you don't cut anymore, and she sees you're a lot happier. It helps her life out more knowing you're okay, and you're not going anywhere. She feels a lot better knowing you will turn to her when you need it. She knows that she can save you because she's your hero now.
As the big sister, I saw how badly my condition was affecting my little sister. I never wanted her to experience my pain, and little did I know, she was but in a way worse. I made her suffer because I was suffering. But now, all thanks to her, I am in a better stage of life, I have my days but I know I can go running to her, and she will save me. So thank you Katelyn for saving me.
