Hey!! So glad you found your way to this post. All things considered your phone probably glitched and you meant to click on that BuzzFeed article below this one. But please, stick it out, this is an interesting article (hopefully). Oh and just to be clear I'm not trying to make a statement or anything with this article, as the title might suggest, but rather I'm just trying to show that animals can be dicks. Oh, and just a foreword if you don't like the swearing you can find another, censored version, of this article: nowhere.

So for some time now there has been a picture of Otters holding hands as they sleep so that they don't float away from each other. Naturally, the reaction was "THAT IS FREAKING ADORABLE!!!!!!" Which yeah it is, because come on, look at those little f*ckers.

And then you see videos like this one:

Which perpetuate the cute adorable Otter image. If I were a conspiracy theorist I would say this is some sort of ploy by the Otters to lure us into a small sense of security so that they could take over the world. But that isn't what this article is about. Ok, well it kind of provides a nice segue. Otters are not nature's adorable water squirrels. Have you heard of crocodiles? You're aware of them, yes? Fierce predators haven't evolved much in 200 million years because, well there's no need to. They are perfect killing machines. So just take a look at this:

Guess who wins. Too lazy to watch the video? Or maybe your'e in class. I'll tell you, the crocodile...doesn't win.

At this point, there is no clear reason as to why we shouldn't personify animals, but hold on to your seats, things are gonna get weird.

First, let it be known that Sea Otters need about a quarter of their body weight in food each day. When an Otter cannot find food, shit goes south. Male Otters will take otter pups hostage until the mother delivers a ransom of food to the male. So kidnapping babies is one reason.

Second, rape. Otters love it. So much so that they will keep the corpse of the victim around to engage in coitus with for up to a week. Oh yeah, these victims? Baby seals. Baby. Seals. Otters will go out, find themselves a baby seal, hold it under water for up to an hour while raping, keep the corpse, act very protective of the corpse, and continue to do this for up to a week.

Oh and just for good measure, here's a video of otters drowning a monkey at a zoo:

Ok so at this point it is pretty clear that Otters suck. But what about other animals?? Don't worry I got you.

Dolphins. Dolphins suck too. Flipper conned you. Dolphins are a*sholes. They are incredibly intelligent which makes this all the more disturbing. First of all let's talk about their relationship with Porpoises. "They're like cousins so they should get along right?" Wrong. You are so f*cking wrong. The two species don't even compete for food or territory. Porpoises don't even pose a threat to Dolphins. And yet in California a porpoise corpse washed ashore and it's injuries indicated it had been attacked by a Dolphin. More reports and sightings followed this. A Porpoise was seen getting bullied by two Dolphins. They ganged up on it, sandwiched it between them, and repeatedly threw it in the air and pummeled it. There are no known motives, it really does appear it is all done for fun. You know, just a bit of sport.

Oh, also, Dolphins do take part in a good bit of rape. But they don't assault a baby seal, don't you worry. No, the males form a gang, kidnap a female, and then take turns raping her. And if there is no female? Oh, they just rape a male.

Penguins. Nature's little Arctic fluffballs. Buckle up. George Levick went to the South Pole in 1910. His report on sexual behaviors of Penguins was deemed to be too extreme for publication at the time and only came out in 2012. The report talked about the rampant necrophilia, auto-erotic behavior, sexual and physical abuse of the chicks, sexual coercion, and homosexual behavior. Yeah, not terribly innocent.

Anyway, that's all from me. I hope I haven't further depressed you as you head into finals.