​Who I Am is Up in the Air
Relationships

​Who I Am is Up in the Air

An open letter to the ex

14
Eduard Esguerra

As you may or may not have noticed, I chose the word “the” instead of “an” to describe this particular ex. This ex was the one who grew with and against me. This ex was the one who always happened to be there for me, even when everyone else was against us. This was the ex who I took for granted, yet was not good for me at the same time. This ex was the one who changed me afterwards for the better. This was THE ex.

Our relationship ended up being toxic. It was not good for either of us. There were good times and great times. Hell, even perfect times. Alongside of that, there were the bad times and hard times. And I know relationships are not perfect. They take time, effort and trust. The question I constantly asked myself was which one outweighed the other? Although, that does not matter anymore, because what is done is done.

And so…

I continue this dedicated piece with appreciation. Thank you for never giving up and always being there for me. Thank you for teaching me things I would not have known otherwise. Thank you for experiencing life with me for the years we spent together. Thank you for knowing me better than I thought I knew myself. Thank you for providing me with unconditional love and support, even when I did not deserve it. Thank you for being you.

I do not hate what you did to me, because it made me stronger. I do not hate how you treated me, because I was not always right. I do not hate you, even though there are many people who tell me that I should, or that they do not know how I do not.

I do not hate you, for it is because of you, I know what I know. And who I am is up in the air. I question why I was the way I was with you and where I am going with my life. It is because of you, I am happier. I am more cautious in my current relationship: I take better considerations due to my experience with you and our years spent together. I now understand where I went wrong; I understand your perspective a whole lot better after the fact. I feel quite bad for how I was in our relationship, but what you did not really understand until too late is that I am younger than you by two years. Although, age is not what separated us; it was where we were in our lives, it was what we thought we wanted and could handle. From when we were together in high school to apart in college, that made the difference.

I remember you said you wish you met me at a later point in our lives, where we both were a bit more grown up. Things would have been different, most likely.

I started to realize my faults a little too late, and that is OK. I like to believe that things happen for a reason. I suppose we were not meant to be, and that is OK. Hopefully our experiences has helped you for the better, because I know it has for me. I thought I knew who I was, but you have made me realize that my perception was distorted. So, again, who I am is up in the air, and that is okay.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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