When I was 15 years old, I decided to pack up and move out on my own, to the middle of nowhere, to attend a boarding school. I had never even been away from home for more than a few weeks, so the idea of packing up and living without my parents wasn’t something that I even fathomed I could handle, but I did. It was probably the craziest decision I have ever made, but it was also the best decision because it taught me something that no other school or tutor ever could; the ability to be OK with not being OK, and with being honest about my feelings. I am stronger because of it, but for a long time, I pretended to be completely fine with being on my own, something that doesn’t come easily when you leave home for the first time.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but I was ready to get out of my hometown, similarly to most new college students who are ready to spring out on their own. I was miserable, and not just in a middle-class-white-girl-problem sort of way. I was fading, due to a lack of good friends, a community or opportunities to cultivate my talents, and I was stuck in a perpetual state of staggering normalcy. So I went off; far, far away, and through struggle and a lot of tears, found myself. I lived eight hours away from my parents, saw my family three or four times a year and got used to living on my own, and soon I finished high school and found a college a little bit closer to home; in Nashville.
Coming into college, I thought that I was so much better off than the rest of my classmates because I was already used to being on my own and learning to take care of myself after years of boarding school. I dismissed any idea that I would be homesick. I was so wrong, and I think, after two years of living in Nashville, I finally figured out why. Everyone has this preconceived notion that “leaving home” is just the next step to adulthood, but in reality, it’s not that simple.
You may leave home, but your home never really leaves you. Even if you are eager to leave home, it is still the place that shaped you, and it's part of the reason that you are who you are. We are the sum total of all our experiences, whether they are good or bad, and our home is part of that. Leaving home isn’t easy because it’s not supposed to be easy. However you define “home,” whether it’s a person, a place or an idea, leaving home is like taking a piece from a perfectly constructed puzzle. It doesn’t feel right, like something in the picture is just missing.
That was my mistake. I was so eager to be “OK” that I totally forgot to be honest with what I was truly feeling, and I think that’s part of the reason that so many college students have a hard time transitioning into living on their own. Leaving home isn’t supposed to be easy, and it’s OK to admit that, especially around this time of year, when everyone is feeling the homesickness a little bit harder.
It’s OK to not be "OK." You don’t have to pretend like you’re happy that you're leaving home, and even if you are actually happy or if you’re escaping something by leaving home, you are still saying goodbye to something profound, a piece of you that you should never forget.
Missing home is natural, but knowing that you left a part of yourself in that place can be scary. Whether it’s the people you love, hate, are jealous of or the experiences that formed you, you will always have a connection to that place. If you just push away that pain, you will end up digging a hole in your heart that keeps getting bigger and bigger and won’t let you grow into your new self. But if you acknowledge that pain, and use it as a seed to inform your growth, you may just find that your new experiences can help you find your place in the world.
