Ugh, so here we go again. It's another Hasan article contemplating the preponderance of life. For the few of you that care to know more about my jihad with life's most perplexing moral and philosophical questions, then I kindly and cordially invite you to my internal dialogue in trying to answer the question: Who am I?

Not one person that I know of has ever answered this question successfully, nor am I sure that this question has an accepted answer. But in trying to answer it, perhaps we ebb and flow ever closer to an internal truth about ourselves. Who am I? Simply put, I'm a person that is in that ambiguous grey zone between boy and man. However, on a deeper level, I've been trying to find myself since I could contemplate my own identity, and though the world's greatest database on me, myself and I, is one of the three aforementioned, I still can't seem to find out who I am.

I do know this. Through my life experiences and travels, I've found solace and comfort in the opportunity to get to know other people. I've found that the greatest determinant for my happiness is entirely predicted on the happiness of those that surround me. With that, I've learned a lot about my fears and shortcomings as well.

I'm terrified to be alone. I hate it. I'm not sure what it is about being by myself, but of the list of people I've gotten to know, I've left myself off that list. And perhaps that is because deep down I'm scared. Though I'd like to say I know myself better, I believe part of me doesn't really want to know who I truly am. I think the thoughts I have about myself and the actuality of myself are somewhat exclusive. My mind wants me to be a certain type of person, but deep down I know I will never and could never be the person I'd like to be. 

As I write this article, it's easy for me to elucidate my thoughts as words on a canvas. Writing this article has helped me delve deeper into my soul, but it can really only take me so far. To truly take time and introspectively analyze who I am takes balls. Big balls. I'm not sure how well equipped I am in that department, but I'm mustering up the effort the best I can and that has to at least count for something. 

So as I inquire me about myself, I've also found an absolute apprehension towards failure. I'm the type of person that would participate in opportunities in which I have a high likelihood of succeeding, only to find myself shying away from others in which the outcome of success was less sure. And though I know failure is a way of understanding the world and accepting our inability to be perfect, it is one of those things that I am not yet comfortable with. This fear has kept me from many things I'd like to have done. For example: I talk about how much I want a girlfriend, but part of me doubts I'd even have the ability to ask a girl on a date, because the fear of failure and rejection looms overhead. And what if she says yes? Then that's a whole other ball game. It's a cliche example, but it works perfectly for the point I am in my life and from the pressures and expectations of being in college.

As I continue the voyage within myself, I've unfortunately come to find that I'm a man of superficiality. This admittance pains me to say, but if I'm going to be honest with myself, I might as well tell it like it is. I know I shouldn't care about the vanities of the world, but the fact of the matter is that I do care. I don't care a lot, but I still care. I like to dress well, not because I like style, but  because I want to make an impression on people. And this really boils down to the fact that perhaps I care too much about what others think, so much so, that it may even surpass the regard I have for my own thoughts. I want to be liked and loved (don't we all?). I think that is partially why I'm pursuing my career path to becoming a doctor. Though I do want make people healthy and give them second chances at life, I also have an insatiable desire to experience someone else's gratitude, and there is no better position than being a physician to experience that.

At the present moment, this article sounds like a self-loathing pity party, but I assure you it's not. There are great facets of my personality and being that I love. I have realized I have the innate ability to bring out the best in others. I have the unique potential to make people laugh. And I have a large heart that allows me to love and care for each person I meet. But most importantly, I would have to say the best thing about myself is a voracious hunger to improve myself each and every day. I am a seeker of knowledge, and I've only met a few people that share the same disposition as me. I cannot yet think of a day where I haven't sought to become better. 

So what does it all mean? As I learn more about myself, I have to ask, how much of my character can I change? And how much of my character is an innate part of my being? Furthermore, if changing parts of our personality and being is possible, what does it really take to carry out that change? I'm a 21 year-old trying to answer the question that I'll try and answer for the rest of my life. I can only hope that at the end of my life, the last time I get to answer this question, that my answer will make me proud. I hope I can be happy with who I become and what I've done with the temporary time that has been given to me. After all, each and every moment is a gift in itself.

As I've written this cathartic article, I've come to better terms with who I am. Though I still cannot fully answer that question, I have at least acknowledged my shortcomings and my windfalls. And I can now, from a grander perspective, say this: All that I have written above comes down to the fact that I am just as human as anyone else. Perhaps this article made me sound like a head case, or maybe it helped bring about the self-analysis we all owe ourselves. I'm sure there are plenty of people who choose to read this article that could have agreed or related to the points I made. And that's the message here. We all struggle to grasp who we are because we fear getting to know ourselves. But honestly, the more we open up to this vulnerability from our own thoughts, the more we can accept ourselves as a whole. As the wise man Kanye West says, "You're not perfect, but you're not your mistakes."

I disagree slightly with that line. We are perfect. We are perfect in all our flaws because that is what makes us human. We are the ephemeral gem that this world has to offer, and in our temporary existence, do not waste the opportunity to get to know the person who is most worth getting to know: yourself.