Where do I go from here? How do I keep going without a plan. I'm in uncharted territory, there is a storm coming in and I have no shelter. That storm is my life, the impending doom of graduation and the "real world." I am helpless, trapped outside with nowhere to turn. I have to make a decision. Do I fight, or do I die?
This is how I feel about 75% of the time. I have two majors and still freeze up when people ask me what I want to do after college. My dad and I have often joked that if people paid us to learn, we'd make a living taking classes. I love school. I have always loved school. I love discovering new information. I love tackling new projects and new challenges. I love writing essays and getting to fully develop my own opinions or interests with the reward of a (hopefully) good grade to make it worth my time! Go ahead and call me a nerd, but one of the first buildings I knew how to find on campus was the library and it is my haven.
When I start thinking about the future, I feel panicked. I feel like I'm in danger. I feel the weight of being an adult and supporting myself and not failing because to fail can be the loss of true shelter like your house or food or medical help. I get so stressed out and my stomach goes into knots and I shut down.
So where do I go from here? If you say, "go see a therapist" you can jump in line behind several of my professors and peers who have already suggested that. I might benefit from a therapist, I don't want to pretend I don't have issues that they could help, but I'm also interested in working this part of my life out on my own. I'm only in my second year of college. I have time to change my mind, go in different directions, do crazy things for the hell of it. I don't need to be stressing out about the rest of my life, because it stops me from enjoying the life I have right now.
Last week I went for a drive with some friends on the Blue Ridge Parkway.
We went on a different road than we usually do and ended up in the Great Smoky Mountains on an overcast day right after a rainstorm. All we could initially see were vague silhouettes of trees and mountains through the clouds.
As we wound our way up, patches of beautiful scenery would appear, but only for an instant. Suddenly, however, we came upon an overlook that was within one of the clouds. We could see through it to everything below us. The world was unrealistically beautiful. It caused indescribable awe. All we could say for a few minutes was "wow, that's beautiful."
Our response to the beauty was so simplistic, and yet the magnitude of the view so complex. Nature is my escape from stress in general. Nature is my escape from everything. It takes away words, it takes away thoughts, it takes away action. To see the mountains helped me to realize the metaphorical example it provided for my own life. I want to see through the clouds. I want to see the view, what my life is going to become. I want to know where I'm going from here. The problem is, at this stage all I'm supposed to get are glimpses. I'm allowed vague outlines and nothing else. If I'm patient, however, and stay along for the ride, I'll emerge from the clouds and see the view below. I'll be shocked and awed with the direction my life has taken.
Sometimes the clouds are thick. Sometimes they storm and make life and driving curvy mountain roads a little bit more difficult. The best advice I have is to keep pushing through. Keep moving forward. Don't stop at adversity, don't stop at the first overlook and decide it isn't worth it. Keep going. Keep adventuring. Keep living your life and find out what your view is going to look like. Find out what you're going to become and don't stop until the view takes your breath away with its perfection.
