The other day, I was walking, trying to scrounge together a pop-worthy playlist. There are plenty of great albums out right now—Bastille’s "Wild World," Alaska Thunderfvck’s "Poundcake," Frank Ocean’s "Blonde" (I’m assuming, I haven’t listened to it)—but we’ve yet to have a really excellent pop queen album. Yes, Solange released "A Seat At The Table," but that’s not a pop goddess record.
Last year, we had Adele’s "25," and the year before that was Taylor Swift’s "1989." And that got me thinking—Taylor Swift is due to have a new album out.
Let’s look at the facts.
Taylor has released a new album roughly every two years, always in late October. "1989" was released October 27, 2014. "Red," her last country album RIP, was released October 22, 2012. "Speak Now" was released October 25, 2010. "Fearless," of “Love Story” fame,” was a curve ball and released November 11, 2008—an homage to the 90th anniversary Armistice Day of 1918 (?). And "Taylor Swift," the vehicle that brought us the “Teardrops on My Guitar,” was released October 24, 2006.
Taylor has had only one concert of 2016, in Austin recently. Other than that, she’s been pretty quiet music-wise.
As evidenced by multiple articles, Taylor Swift is the queen of fall. No one can rock a nouveau-1912 lewk, complete with a tartan miniskirt, quite like she can. No one can pull off a berry lip quite like the queen. NO ONE DRINKS LATTES LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT.
With this epic reputation for Queen of Fall Leaves, and her track record of producing an album every other autumn, this begs the question: WHERE IS THE NEW TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM? Is she going to drop something without warning, a la Beyoncé’s "Beyoncé?"
Here is a list of possible reasons why Taylor Swift has yet to inform us of a new album:
1). Her clothing rack of antique pioneer-woman nightgowns collapsed on her and she’s trapped underneath.
2). Her cat Olivia Benson is holding her hostage.
3). She can’t find the perfect shade of burgundy lipstick to match her burgundy tights. SHE CAN ONLY FIND OXBLOOD. ONLY OXBLOOD PPL.
4). She and Karlie Kloss were playing Twister, and both of their limbs were so long that they’ve gotten helplessly tangled and they can’t reach their iPhones.
5). She was being dramatic and threw her phone into a beautiful Grecian fountain.
6). She’s in her subterranean laboratory, concocting the perfect potion to get revenge on Kim Kardashian for SnakeGate.
7). She’s turning full-on Gwyneth Paltrow and making a lifestyle website and titling it something like TOOP or SWOOP.
8). She’s whittling a walking staff from artisanal bonsai trees.
9). She’s lost in an Etsy black hole.
10). She’s gotten tangled in a mohair Givenchy turtleneck.
11). She’s busy following popular Twitter accounts, such as BuzzFeed and Tumblr, to stay relvs! Short for relevant, ppl.
12). Perfecting her bangs.
13). She and Lena Dunham have found the perfect Brooklyn brunch spot and haven’t left it for six months and both of their phones are on silent.
These are the only things I can think of that she would be doing instead of delivering us another gold-level pop album. Say what you want about Taylor’s personal life, but her music is impeccable and—frankly—life-changing.
Taylor, I know I’ve made fun of you in the past…six hours…but this is my honest plea. Bless us with new music; the world, especially right now, needs it.
