With the craziness and chaos of this semester, I must confess that—in my walk with God—I began to struggle. I struggled, and still struggle, to understand his plan. I disagreed with some of the changes he made in my life over the past couple of months and seriously began to doubt him. I would be lying if I said I didn't argue with or get mad at him. I was angry for the constant feeling of drowning, unable to break for air, remaining frustrated with this cyclical pattern I was living, faking happiness for friends and coworkers, but breaking down in solitude.
People keep telling me to hand all the control over to God and just trust him. As a control freak and avid future planner, this would be obviously challenging for me. Sitting in her office, tears rolling down my face as I spill everything happening in my mid-college-career-life-crisis, a past professor of mine, and still a woman I highly look up to, Dr. Winchester, once told me "If you tell God your plans, he's going to laugh at you." This was a difficult concept for me to grasp. I can't change who I am. How can I just give him all the control?
Time went by and I found myself fighting a constant battle between relinquishing control to God and taking matters into my own hands. Often, I won the battle... or at least I thought I did. Do you remember what Dr. Winchester said? Well, I'm convinced she's right. I would push and fight, and he always quickly put me in check. The funny thing is, I think I'm just now starting to realize that he was/is fighting for me and not against me.
Tonight, I went to my young adult group for the first time in a hot minute. I almost didn't go, but I found myself there anyhow. This was the final night of the sermon series "No Doubt About It." As soon as Mike (the pastor) began to speak, I knew I was meant to hear the message. Tonight, my heart broke in a whole new way. As I sat there and listened, I could feel the waterworks trickling from my eyes.
These past few months, I've persistently been barking at God to prove himself to me, and in the moments he didn't, I could find myself growing further from him. Seeing is believing, right? I was reminded, though, he's given me all the proof I need; I was reminded that sometimes, the proof is what's behind us, and not what's ahead of us. It's all in trusting God's heart.
I think what stood out to me the most, was when Mike spoke these words, now resonating in my head: "The grace of God will meet us wherever we are." We don't have to have a perfect relationship with God. In fact, a perfect relationship with him is unattainable. He gives us grace though, that gift we are so undeserving to receive. I've messed up. I've pushed him away. Yet, he continues to fight for me. He shows me grace, and he is reaching for me wherever I am.
As Mike prayed over us and instructed us to prepare our hearts individually before taking communion, I couldn't help but cry out to God and ask him to hold me. I found comfort tonight, knowing that God will never stop carrying me.
