Update: Sunday afternoon I replaced my phone, so, despite title, my hotline is once again open for booty calls, texts and the occasional Snapchat. Please leave a message after the beep.

I know, I know - "Millennials and their damn phones," but before Aunt Edna, Uncle Robert or anyone else who ruined the economy back in 1978, trivializes the trials I have been through with those words--just listen to my story.

Yeah, I know that phone troubles are not the worst thing that can, nor has, happened to me. I know that, from the dangers of Snapchatting and driving to the rudeness of texting during family dinner, losing/breaking one's phone could be described as a blessing in disguise for some people. Sometimes people need to stop answering Drake's calls and send his Hotline Blings to voicemail. Yes, we are addicted to our phone and need to work on our interpersonal skills. Yes, phones are not your life.

Except only it is, and I am cursed (not blessed) with the uncanny ability to lose/break my cellular device whenever I need it most. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be able to blow off a meeting or a party (or a person) with the old "I didn't see your text. I'm having phone problems" or the "I'm sorry I'm late to the meeting. I had no idea what time it was. My phone's broken!"

But when it's academic crunch season, tax season, formal season (lol) and you have some major gossip for your best friend who's out of state (Enette, contact me IMMEDIATELY) a broken phone is a broken heart--and no, I'm not being dramatic.

Last weekend, I had to fork up money to replace my phone for the FIFTH time in college. (Mind you, I'm just a sophomore, and no, I don't mean upgrades.) That, along with the four times over the course of high school, has got me riled up enough to an angry write piece no one will read. Not even T-Mobile.

Now, it must be understood that I am not careless. No matter what my mother says about me, I promise I am not some piece of trash girl who treats her phones like pieces of trash so she can get new ones. If I had the audacity to do, I would at least have the foresight to back up my files.

Because my foreign parentals do not believe in cell phone contracts or the monthly plans--even though T-Mobile actually offers pretty affordable plans!--I have had to fork over almost an entire paycheck just to be able to call 911 and text boys who don't like me. Also, mind you, I'm on that cheap Android life, so I'm barely making the cut to "smart" phone user, if you're getting my drift.

My last phone--which my little sister cracked less than a month after I bought that one to replace my previous phone which was afflicted with "factory problems"--started "misbehaving" maybe a month ago. Albeit, it was doing some sketchy thing before, like not accepting group texts and deleting music and corrupting recordings, but despite the low picture quality, I made the best of it. (Did I mention my foreign parentals also do not believe in insurance? But, to be fair, they are paying my phone bill for the time being, so mom please do not kick me out of the family plan.) My phone lost its ability to connect to the cellular network (whatever that means).

So, unless I was connected to STRONG WiFi (which is an elusive thing here at Stetson) I couldn't call, text, email or do anything phones are supposed to do. Even when I could find elusive strong WiFi, phone calls would drop, texts would fail to send.

The only thing I could do was take a low-quality picture or two (with my limited storage) and listen to Notorious BIG on repeat (since that was the only song that would play via Google Music). Good thing "Mo Money Mo Problems" is a timeless classic.

Speaking of money, despite my mother encouraging me to spend ALL my money on a "good phone" and reap the exclusive privilege of an iPhone user, I once again went for my least expensive option offered by Android. But I heard good reviews on this one, so maybe it won't face the blue screen of death like my Windows phones, or the charging malfunction that my fifth one faced, or a screen crack, or water damage. (If you can't tell, I am currently weeping remembering all the fallen tributes.)

Through my tears and depleted bank account, there a few silver linings: I was able to save my pictures and voice recordings (I interview people on my phone even though that's sort of against my learned journalistic integrity), my picture quality has increased EXPONENTIALLY (be prepared for some fire selfies coming your way), I found a nice case with a strap so I (hopefully) won't lose it at parties, I finally figured out ALL the Snapchat filters, and, best of all, the cute boy from T-Mobile just texted me.

So, maybe you shouldn't call me after all.