Resist the urge to shout any variation of the following:

"Don't come here, for your own good!"
"College is a scam!"
"Save your money and run!"

Recently, I was lucky enough... or rather, my school was unluckyenough to have a tour group come by my room one morning.

Upon being woken up to the tour spiel of generic trivia facts about dorm life, I sheepishly made my way through the crowd to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and shuffled back to my room. I shut the door behind me as quickly as I could without trying to reveal my panic. High school students can sense fear. I hear them leaving and I am relieved that I will not have to encounter those people ever again.

Then, I hear a second tour group coming. I mentally hiss at the door like a cat whose tail’s been stepped on, daring them to lean on my door and using my resentment for school to radiate an aura of *turn-back-now-while-you-can*.

Then, I remember. I'm the one with the power here-- the wise older 'adult' with college experience, whilst they are the pure teenagers, unsure of what the future holds. They're yet to take a shower in a communal dorm bathroom, yet to climb down from a lofted bed, yet to wait 20 minutes for a shuttle into town to search in vain for some normal brands at Whole Foods instead of overpriced-organic-gluten-free-soy-pasteurized nonsense. I just want Doritos and I refuse to buy them at the overpriced campus market—the school gets enough money from me without needing to monopolize on my love of junk food.

I peer through my peephole to see if I can be of help. In a Transylvanian accent I think to myself, "Oh, what-a mistake-a you have made-a, bringing fresh blood right-a to my doorstep [cackles]."

I open the door and gain the attention of a family, who asks me if I like it here.

“Not really.”

“Oh, how come?”

I murmur some incoherent rambling on about the people and classes and food.

I give them my info in case they have any questions or want a different perspective.

As I shut the door, I think to myself how wide-eyed and unknowing the 'prospies' are. It is nice to be in the know and be able to advise other kids. It'd be kinda cool to help students with their decision and share my experience. Maybe I should become a tour guide.

Wait… I forgot that I don’t like it here. They probably won’t hire me.

*This story is loosely based on actual events and exaggerated for comedic effect. I'm not a vampire. Or cat. Don't worry.