Like many others, I spent Valentine’s Day alone this year. However, unlike many others, I chose to do so. I have spent my last five Valentine’s Days with someone else, someone who I am no longer dating, nor am I in love with. For this reason, I decided to treat myself. Rather than sulking, I decided to celebrate being alone and being okay with that.

I called Maggiano’s Little Italy restaurant on Monday, the night of February 13th. “Hi, my name is Lindsey Coates and I would like to make a reservation for one for tomorrow night (Valentine’s Day) please?” “Um, sure Miss Coates. May I have a number to reach you at please?” I only noted a hint of judgment in her tone. To be fair, I assume I was the only reservation for one she received for Valentine’s Day. She probably thought I was a freak, as have many since I have told this story.

I told myself (and some of my friends) for a month that, “for Valentine’s Day this year, I’m going to dress up and take myself out for a steak dinner, and I’m even going to buy the nice wine.” (To me, the nice wine, meant a glass that cost more than $8.) Me being me, perpetually late, I forgot to make a reservation for any of the ritzy steakhouses until Monday evening. It was a bit embarrassing to find that there wasn’t even enough tables for a reservation for one at any restaurant I looked up--so many people were going out with their sweethearts that night. So, I turned to Italian food and chose Maggiano’s. They did have a table for one.

On my way home from work, I became frustrated with the incessant St. Pete/Tampa traffic. I was honking my horn, huffing and puffing, yelling obscenities when I realized that I was worried about getting home in time, to dress up, FOR MYSELF. This immediately had me cracking up. What a funny thought! I guess I cared about myself so much that I didn’t want to disappoint myself with a mediocre appearance.

I finally got home and dressed to the nines. Again, me being me, I left my house too late and ended up being tardy for my reservation. I got lost on the way, which I have no idea how because I’ve been to this restaurant before. I was driving around, all nervous, because I didn’t want to make myself wait. For the second time today, I reflected on my situation and realized that I was stressed out because I was running late for dinner WITH MYSELF. I also wondered why I was surprised--myself should have expected me to be late. My friend texted me and asked, “How did your dinner go Miss Lindsey?” I responded with, “Don’t you know I am late to everything? I haven’t even gone yet. My reservation was for 8:30 (it was now 8:45) and I was just driving around the parking lot like an idiot trying to find where this restaurant is.” I think it provided him with a good laugh. He said, “I can just picture you.” I was laughing at myself thinking about being stressed for dinner with myself. He later texted, “LOL at least no one is waiting for you,” with a follow-up text of “That came out wrong via text.” I died laughing! Perhaps someone else would have taken that offensively and would have felt extra lonely, thinking of not having anyone to be waiting for them. I thought it was hilarious! I was like, “Yeah at least I’m alone and no one has to wait on my dumb ass.”

This night was already too good. While walking up to the restaurant door, I was thinking, “Maybe this night goes poorly. Maybe it does make me feel lonely and I don’t enjoy myself?” I accepted these feelings and told myself that if that’s what happens, it’s okay. I at least was bold enough to try. I walk through the door and am greeted by couples sprawled all over the entryway. I strut confidently up to the hostess and say, “Lindsey Coates, party of one,” meanwhile dying inside over the comedic nature of my night. She motions for me to follow the gentlemen dressed in the satin vest.

Probably the most comedic moment of the night came next. The man seating the guests, goes to grab two menus when a fellow server whispers in his ear. He reacts with a confused expression and a simple “Oh” and proceeds to put one menu back. If I wasn’t laughing my ass off inside before, I was now! I follow him into the main dining area and he seats me at a table for four, in the middle of the restaurant, surrounded by gushing, googly couples. This night just kept getting better.

Once I sat down, observing my love-filled surroundings, I realized that this night was going to be lovely. I didn’t feel even an inkling of loneliness. I was perfectly content with my own company, sitting all by my lonesome in the sea of rushing servers and whimsical dinner goers.

I ordered a Merlot (that cost $10, to keep with my previous desires of ordering the nice wine,) that was called “Tangled Oaks”. I loved the name so I went with it; later I was glad I did, as it was exquisite. Alexis, my server, brought me a basket of bread with four beautiful little loaves that I practically worshiped throughout the night. Alexis politely asked, “Do you want the oil and vinegar for the br…” “Yes, yes I do, thank you.” I couldn’t say it quick enough. I wanted the full experience. I realized that I really had nothing else to do on this night besides people watch in between courses, (which was entertainment enough) and thoroughly, purposely appreciate the delicious food before me.

Because the purpose of this night was to treat myself, I ordered an appetizer, a more expensive main dish AND a dessert. I chose a classic caesar salad for a fresh start to the meal and a filet mignon and asparagus risotto for the main course. While I waited for my appetizer, I enjoyed my wine; it was like velvet on my tongue. Throughout the meal, I would close my eyes while tasting the wine or food. I attempted to concentrate on only my sense of taste to truly delight in the meal. When I say I’m a foodie, it feels like an understatement. I adore food. I thought about how people were probably staring at me because I probably looked nuts--eyes closed, eating slowly and uttering “mmmm” sounds constantly. I imagined I was a swanky food critic to make me feel less awkward about embarrassing myself.

This continued once I was brought the main course. I sampled a piece of the filet that cut like butter and then followed up with a sip from the Merlot, a perfect pairing. I couldn’t believe how much I was enjoying this food. Next, another bite of the loaf of bread, that was the perfect combination of crunchy and pillowy, (at one point I thought I wanted to lay down and snuggle in this bread).

As I mentioned before, I did a lot of people watching in between the servings of food. I noticed some couples who were lovingly gazing into each other’s eyes which made me feel warm and happy. But I also noticed some couples who were not even interacting, rather engaging with their phones. I thought, why do I need company when that’s what it can turn into. Plus, I had company--before my meal, I said a little prayer to God and just told him that I imagined he was sitting across from me in the empty chair. However, this also probably added to my crazy persona because many times during the night, I would stare at the chair across from me with a smile on my face. People probably felt bad for this girl who in their minds got stood up and is now entertaining herself with her imaginary friend. People can’t fathom the idea of someone choosing to go out by her or himself to eat a meal alone, especially not on the day of love.

(How people viewed me...)

(How I felt..)

When I told some of my coworkers the next day about my lovely night with myself, I got a mixture of responses. Some thought it was “really cool.” Some said something along the lines of, “Wow, I wouldn’t have the guts to do that. Good for you.” While others said, “That’s pathetic. Why would you do that? If I saw you, I would feel sad for you.” I responded saying that I chose to treat myself. I think it’s actually the antithesis of “pathetic.” Who do you know that is self-assured enough to go out alone, and not turn to their phone for relief? (Which I didn’t--I told myself that I would not be on my phone at all. I took one Snapchat and put it away for the rest of the night. I wanted an authentic experience alone, and having a phone in my hand is basically like having company.)

During my people watching, I played a little game of creating conversations in my head for the people dining around me. The lines I thought people were saying were hilarious. I was giggling to myself as I imagined the girl next to me boring her date with stupid pictures of her pet chinchilla and as the couple across the way was angrily discussing how they hated each other’s in-laws. Once again, this probably contributed to my ‘crazy woman’ motif.

Finally, there was dessert. I wanted something rich, so I went with a double fudge brownie adorned with strawberries. It was delicious, as expected. This meal was great, not just the food but also the unique experience. To top it off, when I asked for my check, Alexis informed me that my meal was taken care of by the manager! I got an easily $60 meal for free. (I left my server a hefty tip, but still, my wallet was relieved not to fork out that kind of cash.) Some people told me it was probably because he felt bad for me eating alone. I like to think it was his idea of showing someone some kindness and love on a special day. (I think the real reason is because I had requested a friend who worked there to be my server and they neglected to have her serve me when she was indeed working that night.) But I tell myself, it was because he was just a swell guy!

Overall, this was an absolutely pleasant experience. I would do it again, and most likely will do it again. I really could care less about what people think too. It may be hard to believe, but as I said before, I was content, overjoyed even, to spend a night with myself. Granted, I don’t think I would have had the same experience if I had done this six months ago when I was going through a trying time in my life. But this was a testament to how well I am doing now, and how much I’ve grown. Even if this had gone poorly, I accepted that and decided to proceed anyway. I think it’s important to try things like this--even if it’s walking in a park alone to spend time with just your unashamed, uncensored thoughts, or going to see a movie alone. It’s important to be okay with your own company. I know we are relational creatures, so in no way am I advocating for never having company, but I am advocating for treating yourself sometimes, turning off the phone, and choosing to spend time completely alone, learning to welcome the idea of taking yourself on a date. I highly recommend it.