When You Don't Get Closure

When we, as humans and lovers, meet new people, the last thing that comes to our minds is how we might deal with the loss of that relationship. Primarily because it's not a happy subject, but also because it isn't something that can necessarily be summarized in just a passing thought. Processing that loss requires a lot of emotional identification, and most, if not all, of that is painful.

Whether it be a partner, friend, or anybody you care about in your heart, seeking closure often serves as the landing gear from coming down from being so high in the air. It gives clarity, and uses finality and acceptance to create the next chapter of our stories. There is rarely a time where processing closure and the termination of a relationship isn't done with a heavy heart. That being said, it's that much tougher to get by when we have to hit the ground with no landing gear.

It happens to most, really. You and your partner break up, and you can't help but feel that neither of you were on the same page, and you are left with a plethora of questions. Let me be the first to tell you that you deserve answers to those questions. You, as a person and a lover, are worth those answers. I'm sorry you didn't get them, I've been there too. But trust me when I tell you that there is a way to deal with this, we just need to exhibit balance and patience.

1) Being ignored or "ghosted".

In many scenarios, your former will no longer communicate with you, which is easily the most frustrating part of it all. Whether they have things of yours, they ended the relationship with no explanation, or are fabricating what happened between you two - you need to talk to them. You're probably asking the question that others are: "How can someone have said they loved me not even talk to me?" Unfortunately I have no answer for that. But know that that isn't something you should tolerate from anyone - it's disrespectful and potentially abusive. If the matter is urgent enough (like collecting valuables or etc.), then you should try sending a friend in as a buffer, if they are willing. You deserve respect, even amidst (most) problems.

2) Being lied about/to.

Dealing with this turbulent part of a break-up is much more passive. It requires you to keep in mind that you can't change people, and that you know yourself better than anyone. Period. If you were wrong, then own it. But if you're involvement is being fabricated/altered from what actually happened, then speak up. It doesn't mean you have to post flyers about it around town, but if you are asked, speak the facts, and leave the motion for another day. People that truly know you know your heart, and will believe you when you tell them the reality of the situation. If they don't, then feel free to stop considering them as your friend. Stay true to who you are. Alexander Hamilton, first Treasury Secretary, is partially famous for his affair with Mariah Reynolds; he was blackmailed for it for money. Knowing the truth of the matter and the weight of his word, he wrote about the reality of the events, and disclosed his affair to the public before anyone else could. He sacrificed his comfort for acknowledgement of the truth.

3) Identifying romantic No Man's Land.

They say that there are two sides to every story. They also say that the truth lies somewhere between those two sides. I agree with this, and while it's important to remain confident in your side of the story for the sake of your emotions, you need to be realistic about the facts and actual facts of what is going on between you and your former partner. Between trenches of World War 1 there was what was called "No Man's Land". It was called that for two reasons. The first is because it was so dangerous that soldiers rarely remained in that zone. But it was also called that because it was the piece of land that was not declarable to neither the Axis nor the Allied powers in the battle. Your love life has a No Man's Land. It contains your friends, your ex's friends, and other important pieces of information. It's important to read lightly here. Don't suck other people into the break-up if you don't have. Don't resort to malevolence or abuse as a way of satisfying or "winning".

4) Moving your feet forward.

If you get too caught up on the severity of what happened, you'll end up hurting yourself that much more. Simply put, the best thing you can do is leave your ex in the same spot as your break-up: In the past. Most of what you do from here is up to you, like choosing when to start dating again, or how you want to fill the extra time you now have. What you decide on is less important than the action of deciding at all. It's best to assume that your former partner has entirely left the situation behind (because they probably have). With that mindset, it's easier to realize that you're only hurting yourself by dwelling. Radically accept that what happened has happened, and keep your ears open for all the great qualities the world sees in you.

You were cheated by not being given proper closure. Your partner disrespected you, as well as themselves, and I'm sorry to hear that. But don't become mean or start to do things to put your ex down, because you'll only hurt yourself and concurrently prove them to be right about you. Don't drown your feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. Be sad, be angry, be regretful. That is a normal and human way to live, and being in touch with your feelings makes you stronger. But don't let them manifest after you know you feel them. Talk them out, replace your thoughts and time for something else. But everything you do is done as time moves forward, putting your reason to be down that much further behind you. Keep moving forward. Believe in yourself.