At 21-years-old, I have dated and “talked” to a good amount of guys. I have been on plenty of fun and exciting dates and I have had awkward weird ones, as well. I have done the long-term relationship of a little over three years, and I have done the short-term of a week or two. I have gone through a lot of great times and some not-so-great times in today’s new dating culture. I have dealt with the “no labels” trend that has become every college student's greatest headache and I have experienced guys coming on too strong and wanting a relationship too soon. I know I am still young, but I have had my fair share of experiences in the dating world. But you still probably would not believe me if I told you I met who I thought I was going to be with forever at 19-years-old. I would have never thought a 19-year-old girl would know what she wanted in life and you could not convince me there was a way someone could know who his or her soul mate is or if one even existed at 19-years-old. Well here I am, nearly two years later and I still feel we were meant to be. Star-crossed lovers if you need a better clarification. To prove to you that meeting my soulmate isn’t a lie, I can tell you I have dated many people before and after him, but I have never found that feeling of what I felt for him since.
On my first date with my supposed soulmate, let’s call him Blake, I had no idea what to expect because I was new to the dating world because I had just got out of the long relationship mentioned above. I was young and innocent and NOT by any means looking for love. I wanted to be a ~hip and cool~ college girl without the worries of a significant other and the pressures of a commitment. On my first date with Blake, I tried to play it cool and tried play hard to get, but it was unlike anything I had expected…it was a million times better. I had just met this guy and I felt like I had known him my entire whole life. The date progressed into dinner and going out and we had our first kiss dancing. It literally was like a romantic fairy tale (as much as I don’t like to admit it). And I hated it and loved it at the same time. Kissing him was the definition of perfection. I had no idea I could kiss someone this way and feel so complete within myself and feel whole.
I didn’t even know I was missing something until I kissed him and felt expanded and alive. I melted in his arms and I never wanted to let go of him. Him holding me made me feel cheated of the time we had not spent together because I didn’t know a person like him actually existed in this terrible world. After a few more dates and many weeks of talking, I quickly started falling in love with Blake. He embodied every quality I wanted in a man and I was captivated; everything I ever wanted was standing in front of me, literally like some cliché Taylor Swift song. Timeout. DO NOT think I was some crazy love struck girl who gave in too quickly because I can honestly tell you that I have NEVER felt that way about another person before and unfortunately after. It was like a whole new kind of love I had never known or experienced even with the guy I dated for three whole years. I would have done anything to be with Blake including live in a cardboard box. Okay that’s really extreme and crazy, but still probably true. It was an unhealthy sickness I had fell victim to, and I lost myself trying to just be next to Blake. I would have done anything to gain any significance in his life.
To this day, I still cannot figure out why I felt so strongly for him. Every fiber in my being needed him and not being with him was not an option to me. Here’s the worst part of all of it. Blake never knew ANY of this. I kept it cool and secret and let him run the relationship. It eventually it ran its course and ended and it literally destroyed me. I was on the same level of Bella from" Twilight" when Edward left her in “New Moon.” I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep and I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore. I remember walking around seeing people pass by and feeling as I was in a haze that none of this was real. I was pathetic and I felt empty without him. It was like a part of me left when he did. I was crazy and I didn’t know what to do about it. Months went by when I missed him so badly I turned to talking to other guys, partying, going to church, ANYTHING, just to alleviate some of the pain I was feeling. I remember thinking that I will never feel that way about someone and it scared the hell out of me.
I eventually moved on and picked up the pieces of myself, forced myself to move on, and get over the fact I lost who I believed I was supposed to marry--my soulmate. Even though I may not have ended up with the person I loved more than myself, there’s a lot of positive that have came out of it. Today, I am in a good place with myself and other people again. I have gotten more involved in my school, I have made great friends and I have strengthened my relationship with God. I am so blessed in my life just to know that a love like that exists and I hope to find it one day and it will work out, due to better timing. I wish the best for Blake and pray for him often because even if fate kept us apart, I will always care for him because of the connection I thought we had. I hope to have the feeling I had for him for someone else, because everything truly does happen for a reason and, if I had never met him, I would have never found myself by actually losing myself.
