Chronic illnesses. Bipolar. Depression. Anxiety. These things that I deal with and fight on a daily basis. When will people understand. When will they understand that it's not that easy to deal with all these things at once. They aren't easy to control or deal with everyday. I know these things can be hard to understand but that's doesn't give people a right to be mean or tell me everything's im doing is wrong or that im not trying hard enough.
What people don't understand is how hard it is to get out of bed everyday and some days I just don't. My body aches and heart hurts. I get yelled at if I don't leave bed and get told I'm not trying and I'm just making myself work. People have left because I had a bad manic episode and made stupid mistakes. They don't understand and I hate myself for the mistakes I had made. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know how to find myself again. I feel alone and tired of trying but I push forward and I try and try, yet nothing seems to get better. I hate the depression that comes with it all. It makes me not want to feel anymore and I am numb. My heart aches to feel something and to be happy like I once was.
I wish people would support me and help me other than wanting to put me down and make me feel like I'm nothing. I know that it can all be hard on them and that they try but it seems that it's easier for everyone to leave than to stick around. No one understands how much I hurt inside and how much I hate myself and wish I wasn't like this. No one gets how bad my body aches and hurts from my chronic illnesses. I wish people understood and that I could trust but I don't know how to anymore. I don't know how to be comfortable again and happy. I don't know how to trust that people won't leave me when I need them because lately that's all everyone does.
The only way I can be okay is to do it myself. I'm on my own here. Life is hard and hurts and all I want to do is give up but I keep fighting and I hope that I don't lose that fight.
