This past week, I did the unthinkable. I literally walked up to the guy I have been crushing on and said, “hey, I like you.” (There’s a chance he’s reading this, so hey, sorry you are reliving this now.) Where did I get that confidence, you ask? I am honestly as clueless as you on that. Awkwardness erupted when he didn’t muster a word back. So what did good ole Demi do? Replies with “have a nice day” and walks off. In case you haven’t caught on to the theme yet, I am really good at embarrassing myself- I don’t need someone else’s assistance to do that. Later that night, he asked if we could meet up and talk. (Hallelujah. Things would be really uncomfortable had we left it at the first encounter.)

We set up a time and place and discussed in depth why he wasn’t interested in me. His reasoning was certainly understandable, but you know, I still had to root for myself. So I did. I found a joking (but true) answer for every problem he mentioned in a “you aren’t getting off this easily” way. As the night went on, we discussed our future plans, our families and past, and what made us decide our career paths. We had a natural flow of conversation (at least, I thought we did), and everything (to me) felt so right and comfortable. So of course, once again, I had to root for myself and think that I had a chance still. (I’m really stubborn.)

After parting ways, I texted him to thank him for being a good sport about things, and while I was on the subject, I asked him if I stood a chance or if I should just let the idea go. Here goes the plot twist… He told me that honestly, I should let it go, and at one in the morning, I was crushed. Here is how stubborn I still was. I waited patiently for another text to read something between the lines of “just kidding”, but that text never came through. I thanked him for his honesty and we ended the conversation, just like that.

(Thanks for reading that super long story.)

Obviously, things didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. I thought I was getting this desire of my heart that I had been praying so long for. I thought it was my turn at a relationship. But it wasn’t. Considering how recent this just happened, I don’t know how encouraging the advice I give will really be.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason. It is seriously my life motto. I want to think that the outcome is going to change, but I am learning to accept the fact that it’s not going to. God see’s a bigger plan than I do. While I want to feel pity for myself and have a major cry fest, He already has a bigger purpose in the making. My roommate and best friend told me recently, “Demi, stop trying to be God. You would make a sucky God, so just stop. Let Him be Him and you be you.” That’s what I want to do. Maybe this week happened to teach me something from God, or maybe I tried to be my own God and did this damage to myself.

Recently at my home church, we had a sermon on 1 Samuel 8: 19-22. In this passage, the Israelites decide they want an earthly king instead of their heavenly king. Instead of God condemning them, they end up condemning themselves. God granted them their worldly desire, which in turn, led to their own self-destruction eternally.

I am wondering if maybe God didn’t give me the guy that I wanted for this reason. He didn’t want to give me my worldly desire because He is trying to save me from the path of self-destruction that the Israelites faced. Maybe He does want me to be with this guy but not at this time. Maybe, He wants me to focus more on Him for now to prepare my heart for what’s to lie ahead.

So whether I get the guy or don’t, it’s okay. God has a plan far better than mine. When things don’t turn out the way we had hoped, the best thing to do is to turn to your heavenly Father and say “God, I understand this is your plan. Don’t let me mess it up, but instead, give me an open and accepting heart to what it is.”