“Are you guys still together?” My slight hesitation prompts the next statement, “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.” Poor girl, now she’s embarrassed she asked me the wrong question. Or poor me, because my relationship is so convoluted I can’t even answer the simplest of questions. It is in these moments that I want to say, “No, we are not together.” Heck, I want to scream it. I hold back because I know how it looks when he leaves my place on the weekends. I know the assumption people make when I travel miles to see him. I know the conclusion others draw when they see his arms wrapped around me at a party. Only a boyfriend would wake up early and wait in line at the local coffee shop to grab my usual order just to make sure I smile from the moment I wake up (an impossible feat without coffee). So how can I blame people from deducing a relationship when all signs point toward an unwavering commitment?
Somehow we are together; in fact, somehow we will always be together. But, in a relationship? Well that depends on the distance we are apart and the day of the week. That depends on my foolishness and naivete of the moment. So my simple answer to the question is, “You’re not prying, I love that boy.” As I say these words I realize I’ve become that girl. The girl who can’t separate love from reality. The girl that pours long-term effort into a short-term relationship. The girl who is content in passing time with a boy she knows is not her future. Yes, that girl, the girl who so clearly needs a lesson in moving on.
The truth is I’m not afraid of letting go. It's just impossible to move on from what I know. We’ve spent so much time tangling every aspect of our lives together that finding a way to untie this knot takes time. It's funny because it seems like it took no time to fall in love. It was effortless and easy but in hindsight simply just clumsy. One thing I’ve realized is that love is not enough. Maybe we are lucky that we found out early on about our conflicting life values. Dragging you to church on the weekends or me on a hike was like asking the waves to stop returning to the shore.
In fact, I know we are lucky we discovered that our dreams for our respective futures placed us in worlds that the other had zero interest in being part of. As much as I would, in my dream, like you to be my partner, I would never ask or want you to abandon yours. Consequently, we know that we haven’t met our “forever” person. But, that does not stop me from loving your right now. In this moment you are my person.
One day I’ll say you were the one that got away. I’ll smile when I think of myself sitting in your passenger seat. I’ll reminisce with my friends with stories that begin with “Remember when.” I’ll even laugh at our fights that kept me up for too many sleepless nights. I want the luxury of nostalgia. I want to simply dream of what our future together would have looked like. I want to mourn our potential.
To say you were the one that got away means that we’ve finally let go. We stopped trying the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result. So between the flowers and the apologies and the miles traveled to see each other we realized that we are only breaking our own hearts in this process. Although our souls may seem compatible, our lives simply are not.
So here we are, finding ourselves with countless memories and heartbreaks behind us. We both know that the only forever we will ever share is in a goodbye. This final commitment is not one that either of us can make.
Even the most intricate and beautiful sandcastles on the beach eventually crumble back into the shore. Some things are not meant to last forever.
Eventually, he will be the boy that got away. But, for right now, he’s the boy who always comes back. For right now, I am the girl who will leave the door unlatched. One day we will find love elsewhere and we will move on with our lives. But, despite the many reasons for me to walk away, it only takes one to stay: he makes me happy and I’ve never known any sane person who chooses to walk away from happiness.
