Do you have friends who make fun of you? You know the ones I mean. They might make you feel bad for not knowing things when you ask questions. They might pick on you for little things like your clothing choices or your food choices or the TV shows you watch. They might make fun of you when you accidentally misspeak or turn your words around to mean something different and then make fun of that.
You may not even realize that it’s happening. There’s a very fine line between what’s silly, teasing nonsense and what actually upsets you. Your friends might not even realize that what they’re saying or doing is hurtful; they may not have malicious intentions. They might be nice 98 percent of the time, but sometimes you just feel a little bit off after they talk to you. It might only happen when a certain combination of friends is together, but individually or in other groupings everyone is nice to you.
Nevertheless, if you ever leave a conversation with a friend (or a group of friends) feeling cruddy about yourself, that should be a red flag. I urge you to pay attention to those red flags, because your feelings are valid.
This has happened to me so many times in my life. I leave a lunch table or casual conversation in the hallway feeling dejected, put down. Around certain friends, I feel myself blushing and wishing I could disappear. There is one person I used to be friends with who would make me feel so stupid every time I talked to him, because he made it obvious that he thought he was smarter than me.
I convince myself that it’s dumb to feel that way, that my friends obviously aren’t trying to hurt me, that I am just being too sensitive. I currently am trying to rewire my brain to be attentive and consciously notice when my friends hurt my feelings so that I can deal with it. Because here’s the deal: the insecure, self-blaming voice in my head is actually right. My friends don’t want to hurt me. But they don’t know they’re hurting me if I don’t tell them. This is something I personally need to work on; I need to learn how to tell someone that what they’ve said or done has hurt my feelings.
The trouble is that when your friends make fun of you, you’re probably very scared to tell them that what they’re doing is hurting you. You’re scared that they’ll make fun of you for that too. If they’re good friends, if they actually care about you, they won’t make fun of you. They won’t laugh at your pain. They will want to change.
Side note: if it seems like the teasing is intentional and you can tell that your friends are doing it for laughs, get out of there. If your friends laugh or make fun of you when you ask them to stop, get out of there. It’s tough, but go make yourself some new friends. You deserve friends who love you, defend you, and want you to be happy.
On the flip side of all of this, I know that I can be the teasing friend. Sometimes my jokes go too far. I’m not exactly the best at tactfulness; I’m known to some of my friend groups as The Painfully Honest One. People rarely come to me for advice, but when they do it’s usually because they need someone to give an objective opinion, sparing no one’s feelings. I am not always the nicest friend because of this. My sarcasm can be too biting, my little quips too harsh.
I get extremely emotional when a friend tells me that I’ve hurt them with my words or actions. It’s happened in the past, and I wanted to curl up in a ball and never go anywhere or speak to anyone ever again. It’s heart-wrenching, but if no one tells me what I've done, I will never know and will never change. I care about my friends deeply, with all my heart, so I hate to think that I’ve hurt them.
Thus, I know from experience on both sides of the situation: if you have a problem with the way a friend is treating you, tell the friend. If they’re a good friend, they will appreciate your honesty and want to change. If a friend comes to you and says they don’t like the way you’re treating them, check yourself. Be a good friend. Care about their feelings.
